Police in Niagara-on-the-Lake investigate drive-by hooting
NIAGARA-ON-THE-LAKE, ON – Upper-middle class residents of a picturesque town are on edge after reports of a drive-by hooting that police say exceeded 75 dB. Locals became suspicious of the …
Man sure for the sixth time this summer that his hangover is COVID
London, ON – Awaking with a throbbing headache, parched lips, nausea, a general desire for a swift demise and all the other tell-tale signs of a hangover, Jack Bennington was seized by a familiar…
NRA accused of embezzling thoughts and prayers
MANHATTAN – The attorney general of New York has launched a lawsuit alleging the National Rifle Association has engaged in decades-long fraud involving the embezzlement of members’ thoughts…
Doug Ford pleads with own reflection to let him lower class sizes
TORONTO – After saying that if it was up to him he’d keep class sizes at 5 kids due to the COVID pandemic, Ontario Premier Doug Ford was spotted pleading with his reflection to let him lowe…
Local gay bar installs plexiglass to protect against influx of straight women
TORONTO – As part of the province’s stage three reopening protocol, a local gay bar has installed plexiglass to protect patrons against an influx of straight women. “Safety is our top priority,” …
Street performer who pretends to be statues getting nervous
TORONTO – As Black Lives Matter protests across North America have begun calling for the dismantling of statues that uphold values of white supremacy, local bronze-painted statue performer …
“Oops, I left my mask in the car,” says man who does not own a mask or a car
Every grocery store, Canada – The guy who spent 45 minutes inside the store already without a mask has now alerted one of the employees he left it in his car despite not owning a mask or a …
Libertarian friend apparently doesn’t believe in regulating speaking volume either
OTTAWA – Matt Martin, a self-proclaimed ‘classic libertarian of the Adam Smith school’, does not favour intrusive regulation of the economy or daily life, and apparently believe…
Report: It never right temperature outside
LONDON, ON – In an explosively damning report published by the University of Western Ontario, researchers found that the temperature outside “never right.” Though the report was expected to…
Football fan itching to see long-term brain damage in person again
CLEVELAND, OH – As many worry about the start of the NFL season amid Covid-19, Cleveland Browns’ fan Scoot Donnel has been eagerly anticipating returning to the stands to watch his team exp…
