Burnaby, BC – Local residents were shocked and confused to learn that 27-year old Rachel Besimille, a woman so gorgeous that she has caused many to re-evaluate the 1-10 rating scale entirely, is currently dating a literal spud.
Despite Besimille’s goddess-rivalling looks, her successful career, charming personality, and fashion sense that is both classically stylish and creatively bold, she has typically chosen to romantically partner herself with men who fail to maintain even the most modest of expectations. Instead of once again dating another awkward, lumpy man-child who can barely dress himself, maintain basic hygiene, or carry any sort of conversation, Besimille has decided that she would be better off getting romantically involved with a literal potato.
“Every guy I’ve ever dated has been boring at best and downright exhausting at worst, so I figured that if I’m going to be carrying around this much dead weight in a relationship it may as well be something that I can fit into my handbag,” stated Besimille. “At least now when I say I got us tickets to see Hamilton, my partner doesn’t complain and say that musicals exist to shelter lazy writing, he simply sits there and silently supports my choices without cutting me down.”
Several of Besimille’s exes have stated they hold no ill-will to the new lover. “I mean whatever, she can do what she likes I guess,” stated aspiring DJ/Stand-Up comedian Bradley Blonk while wearing a decade-old oversized stained brown t-shirt. “But when we dated I once took her out to my favourite Taco Bell for our anniversary so let’s see a potato do that!”
In recent weeks Besimille and her potato of a partner have made their relationship social media official by posting a photo together on Instagram. The sharpie-assisted smile on the potato’s face somehow marks the first ever time that Besimille has had a partner look happy to be next to her. Despite being so far out of all her exes league that many considered her past relationships to be largely fueled by some sort of lost bet or witches curse, Besimille is moving forward with the first relationship that makes her feel wanted.
“When I cuddle my potato it doesn’t complain, and it never once has made rude comments about my friends or music tastes,” Besimille explained with a bright smile on her face. “Best of all, once I dropped it and to be honest it was the first time someone I’ve dated has gone down on me without being asked, so I couldn’t be happier.”