Report: It never right temperature outside

LONDON, ON – In an explosively damning report published by the University of Western Ontario, researchers found that the temperature outside “never right.” Though the report was expected to…

Football fan itching to see long-term brain damage in person again

CLEVELAND, OH – As many worry about the start of the NFL season amid Covid-19, Cleveland Browns’ fan Scoot Donnel has been eagerly anticipating returning to the stands to watch his team exp…

Toronto Catholic schools to reopen so kids will be with God sooner

TORONTO – The Toronto Catholic School Board has announced that schools will reopen with regular class sizes in the hopes that students will get sick and join God sooner. “The government isn…

To maintain home ice advantage NHL pipes in audio of fans yelling insults about opposing players’ mothers

TORONTO – In an effort to make the play in tournament and playoffs feel as realistic as possible despite the lack of fans in the stands the NHL has begun playing audio clips of fans drunken…

Ellen comes out as mean

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Following a long period of open rumours, clear public hints and confirmed direct accounts, popular daytime talk show host Ellen DeGeneres has officially come out as mean. Th…

Tooth Fairy e-transfers kid in quarantine 25 cents

PICKERING – The Tooth Fairy, unable to be physically present to exchange baby teeth for loose change due to COVID protocols, has instead sent an e-transfer of 25 cents to Billy McIntosh, ag…

94% of Social Distance Hang spent talking about whether everyone is far enough apart

Belleville, ON – A group of friends enjoying a social distance hang in one of their backyards spent nearly all of their time talking about whether they were all at least 6 feet apart. ̶…

New border rules require Americans to hold breath from BC to Alaska

VANCOUVER – The BC government announced new regulations that will require all American travellers going to and from Alaska to hold their breath for the duration of their trip through the pr…

Trump suggests delaying election until everyone dead

WASHINGTON D.C. – Citing issues with voting by mail, U.S. President Donald Trump suggested a delay to November’s presidential election to just after disease and destruction consumes h…

Ford government unveils school plan to send kids back to school and let them formulate a plan

QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has released his fall school plan, which will see the province’s school children return to class in September in order to brainstorm an actual…