OTTAWA – Senator Lynn Beyak is in trouble once again, but she wants to assure the Canadian public who pay her $157,600 yearly salary that breaking American election law was never her intention, it was simply a side effect of her effort to support international bigotry.
“I thought I was merely donating to a man who shares my belief that there are good aspects to every genocide, I had no idea what I was doing was against any law,” said Beyak, a senator whose job is literally to write and evaluate laws.
“I didn’t know that in donating money to a U.S. presidential candidate while lying about my home address and occupation, I was breaking U.S. election law. I just assumed what I did was legal. I mean, both Trump and I are white, and everything white people do is legal, right?”
Beyak has been at the center of several racism controversies and has been suspended from the Senate twice, once for posting racist letters about Indigenous peoples on her website, and once for failing to complete mandatory anti-racism training. She has not yet been permanently removed from the Senate because her fellow senators are loath to set the precedent of actually doing their jobs.
“I saw Trump putting brown children in cages and I thought, this is my kind of leader,” Beyak explained. “But I know now that I should keep my political donations domestic, and that’s why from now on I will stick to continuing to donate large sums of money to racist Canadian parties like the People’s Party of Canada.”
Stephen Harper, the former prime minister who appointed Lynn Beyak to the Senate, was unable to be reached for comment other than to express a preference that his name, Stephen Harper, not be continually mentioned every time Lynn Beyak, the senator appointed by Stephen Harper, does something horrible, racist, or illegal, because he does not want their names, Lynn Beyak and Stephen Harper, intrinsically linked forever.