Premier Doug Ford signed the deal after receiving a $10 gift card from the Brazilian multinational parent corporation of the fast-food chain. In exchange, all COVID-19 media announcements will be required to have verbal and visual advertisements.
“Friends, workers don’t need paid sick days when Tim Hortons employees can make such delicious egg sandwich things,” praised Ford. “Restarting Ontario’s economy starts with an egg sandwich from Tim Hortons…now with bacon.”
Other members of Ford’s team have also been obliged to include corporate messaging into their heartbreaking announcements.
“I have the unfortunate news of reporting another 44 deaths in our long term care facilities from COVID-19-related complications,” said Dr. David Williams, Chief Medical Officer of Health before sighing deeply and reading from a cue card. “But you know there’s something to live for after you take a refreshing sip of Tim Hortons’ richer Dark Roast brewed coffee made from 100% premium Arabica beans.”
In related news, the Ontario Ministry of Health has now classified the Fruit Explosion Muffin as a fruit in the provincial food guide.