Trump vows to wow RNC audiences by crawling out of their televisions and strangling them
WASHINGTON, D.C. – On Night 4 of the 2020 Republican National Convention, President Donald Trump has promised viewers that he will win their votes once and for all by crawling out of their televi…
Kidz Bop writer suffers nervous breakdown after failing to write kid-friendly version of ‘WAP’
PETERBOROUGH – Jeanette Cummings, 41, was rushed to the hospital with symptoms of a total nervous breakdown after being contracted to write a clean, kid-oriented version of Cardi B hit ‘WAP…
Tough NHL players able to play through injuries, civil rights movements
TORONTO – Proving once again that they are the toughest professional athletes on planet Earth, NHL players took to the ice last night, overcoming a litany of injuries and moral qualms about…
Four out of five real housewives dead after throwing wine at laptop during Zoom reunion
Four stars of The Real Housewives franchise were electrocuted to death Animaniacs style, after throwing wine on their laptops during a Reunion Zoom special. Marissa Dump, Hillary Thonk, Rebessica…
LOOPHOLE ALERT! This woman extended her COVID benefits by animorphing into an oil and gas company
CALGARY – A local theatre usher laid off during the beginning weeks of the COVID has discovered a new, exciting loophole to extend her vital pandemic benefits: animorphing into an oil and g…
Ontario Ministry of Education promises new math curriculum will help students calculate their chances of survival
TORONTO — As schools prepare to reopen for the first time since the COVID-19 pandemic began, the Ontario Ministry of Education has assured students and teachers that the newly revised math curric…
Local man fondly recalls early days of pandemic
Dartmouth, NS – 6 months in, local man Jackson Martin has been reduced to looking back with nostalgia at the early days of the COVID-19 pandemic. “Remember back in March when we were …
Local woman’s bike shorts desperate to know to touch of bike seat just once
TORONTO – When lab technician, Sabrina Aleppo, acquired a pair of 7” inseam bike shorts, she did not expect to be tasked with mitigating the shorts’ desperate need to actually ride a bike. …
Local woman’s bike shorts desperate to know to touch of bike seat just once
TORONTO – When lab technician, Sabrina Aleppo, acquired a pair of 7” inseam bike shorts, she did not expect to be tasked with mitigating the shorts’ desperate need to actually ride a bike. …
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