Single-ply toilet paper industry saved by school re-openings

WINNIPEG – After being dealt a blow by the pandemic-related closures of offices and public washrooms, single-ply toilet paper manufacturers are pinning their recovery to the re-opening of t…

Cute social distancing sign instructing to ‘stay four and a half bunnies apart’ pretty confusing, claim children

CORNWALL, ON – Signs at the City Kids Summer Camp at the Mackenzie Bowell Recreation Centre are urging camp goers to stay “four and a half bunnies apart,” and while campers agree it’s a ver…

Toppling of statue causes temporal rift as John A. MacDonald erased from history

MONTREAL – Time and space as we know it was thrown into temporal flux today as protestors pulled down a statue of Sir John A. MacDonal, causing Canada’s first prime minister to be suddenly …

Edmonton police spend $500,000 on proof they are incapable of reading the goddamn room

EDMONTON – As calls are going out to defund and demilitarize police forces across North America, the Edmonton Police Service are loudly proclaiming themselves to be completely unaware of th…

Sad man finds new favourite flavour of chips

WINNIPEG – Local pitiful human being, Jordan Wright, 34, has cemented his status as a notably bleak man by announcing that he has discovered a new favourite flavour of potato chips. “Oh God…

SIU decides to drop “Investigations” from name

TORONTO – After once again clearing all police officers of any wrongdoing in the death of another Black Torontonian, the Special Investigations Unit has opted to remove the word “Investigat…

Man whose campaign slogan proposed violent fight for power against people he disagrees with hopes to win over moderates

OTTAWA – Erin O’Toole, whose campaign slogan was ‘Take Canada Back’ has announced that he will focus on trying to win over the moderate voters that Andrew Scheer’s s…

Scientists reluctantly admit they don’t know how birds have sex either

VICTORIA – Leading bird scientists worldwide have released a joint statement out of the International Ornithological Society confirming a long-standing weakness in their field of study: none of t…

Piccolo, Knuckles and 4 other cartoon characters you didn’t know are Black

Many Black kids like me fondly remember the days of staying up late to watch anime and getting up early to watch Saturday morning cartoons featuring characters of literally all colours. But did y…

Trump vows to wow RNC audiences by crawling out of their televisions and strangling them

WASHINGTON, D.C. – On Night 4 of the 2020 Republican National Convention, President Donald Trump has promised viewers that he will win their votes once and for all by crawling out of their televi…