Local gay bar installs plexiglass to protect against influx of straight women
TORONTO – As part of the province’s stage three reopening protocol, a local gay bar has installed plexiglass to protect patrons against an influx of straight women. “Safety is our top priority,” …
Street performer who pretends to be statues getting nervous
TORONTO – As Black Lives Matter protests across North America have begun calling for the dismantling of statues that uphold values of white supremacy, local bronze-painted statue performer …
“Oops, I left my mask in the car,” says man who does not own a mask or a car
Every grocery store, Canada – The guy who spent 45 minutes inside the store already without a mask has now alerted one of the employees he left it in his car despite not owning a mask or a …
Libertarian friend apparently doesn’t believe in regulating speaking volume either
OTTAWA – Matt Martin, a self-proclaimed ‘classic libertarian of the Adam Smith school’, does not favour intrusive regulation of the economy or daily life, and apparently believe…
Report: It never right temperature outside
LONDON, ON – In an explosively damning report published by the University of Western Ontario, researchers found that the temperature outside “never right.” Though the report was expected to…
Football fan itching to see long-term brain damage in person again
CLEVELAND, OH – As many worry about the start of the NFL season amid Covid-19, Cleveland Browns’ fan Scoot Donnel has been eagerly anticipating returning to the stands to watch his team exp…
Toronto Catholic schools to reopen so kids will be with God sooner
TORONTO – The Toronto Catholic School Board has announced that schools will reopen with regular class sizes in the hopes that students will get sick and join God sooner. “The government isn…
To maintain home ice advantage NHL pipes in audio of fans yelling insults about opposing players’ mothers
TORONTO – In an effort to make the play in tournament and playoffs feel as realistic as possible despite the lack of fans in the stands the NHL has begun playing audio clips of fans drunken…
Ellen comes out as mean
HOLLYWOOD, CA – Following a long period of open rumours, clear public hints and confirmed direct accounts, popular daytime talk show host Ellen DeGeneres has officially come out as mean. Th…
Tooth Fairy e-transfers kid in quarantine 25 cents
PICKERING – The Tooth Fairy, unable to be physically present to exchange baby teeth for loose change due to COVID protocols, has instead sent an e-transfer of 25 cents to Billy McIntosh, ag…
