WASHINGTON D.C. – Donald Trump has been preparing a slew of preemptive pardons to ensure none of the criminal activity carried out during his presidency will result in jail time for his favourite underlings, and is now faced with deciding which, if either, of his adult sons deserves a spot on that list.
“They’re both disappointments, neither of them is as smart or attractive as their sister Ivanka,” Trump was overheard saying to his advisers as they were discussing the massive personal pardon initiative which will take up the bulk of his remaining time as president. “I would not have dated either of them even if they weren’t my children.”
According to several anonymous sources in the White House, Trump has decided to pit Eric and Donald Jr against each other in a series of increasingly bizarre and painful challenges to determine which of them he will pardon and which one will be expected to take on full legal consequences for the family’s numerous alleged federal crimes.
“It’ll be like The Apprentice, remember that show? People loved that show. But NBC, they had these lawyers, not as good as my lawyers, who didn’t let me do everything I wanted to do on that show. Something about laws against torture, which at the time were very strict, a lot of people don’t know that,” Trump told his advisers.
“But I still remember lots of those ideas I had. Fantastic ideas. And now I can pardon everyone else involved in carrying them out for me. This is a great system. Much better than at NBC. I couldn’t pardon anyone there.”
Trump has already used several hundred thousand dollars ostensibly raised to challenge the election results to construct a large transparent swimming pool on the White House lawn and fill it with electric eels, piranhas, and that fish which is rumored to be able to swim up and lodge itself inside the human urethra.
“It’ll be fun to watch, I should sell tickets, can we start selling tickets?” Trump said, grinning to himself as he described all the ways he was preparing to make two of his children to debase and harm themselves for his amusement. “I just hope the ugly one doesn’t win.”
Neither Eric Trump nor Donald Trump Jr. have made themselves available for comment on this ongoing story because they don’t know which of them will soon have anything he says held against him in a court of law.