With the release of the latest season of The Crown, The Duke of Cambridge, Prince William is reportedly furious at the portrayal of his cute as a button, royal little baby bottom.
Taking place in the nineteen-eighties, the show’s fourth season follows the early days of Charles and Diana’s strained relationship, in particular the birth of William, the thottiest little rumpy bummed tater-tot to ever twerk in a crib.
“We’ve all seen babies,” said fan of The Crown Rachel Floomp. “But this little peach ass really did a number on me, I’d never seen something so cute. So when the episode finished I got in my car and I just drove. Days later a local fishmonger found me in a ravine. Sure I’m blind now, but dat ass”
Indeed local authorities have confirmed that there has been a rise in violent reactions to Prince Willy’s bumpy wittle baby bum-bum. “We know you can’t call a baby a ‘fuckboi,” said officer Harold Donk. “We know that – deeply… yet here we are.” He continued, “There’s been a lot of self-affliction, punches to the face, old school steam rushing out of earholes, tongue-wagging – you’ve seen The Mask. We found one woman simply scooting her ass around in circles on a very sandy beach”
However, insiders have reported that the prince himself is not happy with the portrayal of his spectacular ‘back pack’, saying “I’m more than just a foppish blonde-haired blue-eyed babe. I have thoughts and feelings.” He continued “See this arse? Tis rock hard now, you could bounce a penny off it, I haven’t had to powder it in months”.
Unlike Prince Andrew, whose ass at time of print remains ‘bone dry,’ the royals have demanded public sympathy for the bald(ing)-headed hoe, demanding a reprieve from his objectification. “I beg of you to have sympathy for my grandson–” said the queen. “My white, rich, and soon-to-become-king grandson.” However, when asked if she took a bite out of it, her Royal Highness said, “like Michael Kors on a messy hem.”