“I don’t think the COVID second wave will be so bad,” says man who will be primary cause of third wave
TORONTO – Local man Charlie Denison has expressed his opinion that the second wave of COVID will not be as bad as everyone fears, and he can continue doing the activities that will be a dir…
Woman reports home yoga not the same when person’s butt not in face
NEW BRUNSWICK – Local woman, and self-identified yogi, Marsha Fellows, has reported that home yoga is just not the same when there isn’t a fellow patron’s butt in her face. “It just feels d…
Toronto police warn those breaking quarantine will be issued a stern selfie
TORONTO – Toronto Police Services are issuing a warning to those violating mandatory quarantine rules or breaking other public health laws to combat the spread of COVID-19: you will get a s…
Thousands of rich Canadians who also pay zero dollars in tax glance around nervously
OTTAWA – In the wake of the New York Times’ revelation that Donald Trump paid almost no income tax for the last 15 years, Canada’s wealthy are really hoping no one notices how l…
Newly engaged couple posts Jimmy Hoffa-level mystery instead of just saying “We’re engaged”
FACEBOOK – Daniel Cropsky and Melanie Vitker have both posted a photo of a skyline with the caption “We’re mine now!”, and their friends are completely flabbergasted. “I am almost certain t…
Trump tax return reveals he’s on CERB
WASHINGTON DC – After a New York Times article revealed President Trump has lied on his federal income tax return in the last fifteen years, a further investigation revealed that Trump has …
Ontario, Quebec temporarily granted US statehood so Canadians don’t look bad due to COVID-19 cases
TORONTO, USA – The provinces of Ontario and Quebec are now temporarily part of the United States to save Canada’s moral superiority on its response to the coronavirus. The quick save face w…
Torontonians hope cold weather flattens curve of shitty outdoor stand-up comedians
TORONTO – The closure of comedy venues across the city this summer due to the coronavirus has caused an outbreak of Toronto’s shittiest and most offensive comedians to spread outside into public …
Feminist win! Supreme Court nominee who thinks women aren’t people is a woman!
WASHINGTON – U.S. President Donald Trump nominated certified #girlboss Judge Amy Coney Barrett to the Supreme Court this afternoon, who, if confirmed, would not only become one of only three wome…
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