VANCOUVER – In a surprising twist on an old holiday tradition, 33-year-old Artem Brasso found himself visited by more than just the classic three Christmas spirits this Christmas Eve.
Shortly after the Ghost of Christmas Present departed at 2:52 AM on December 24th, Brasso reported hearing a nasally voice intone, “By 2:54, I will have arrived.”
The apparition indeed manifested at the aforementioned time, and introduced himself as the Ghost of Christmas Future-Perfect. He then went on to state that he was there to show Brasso all the mistakes he will have made before definitive points in his life. “It all seemed weirdly specific,” remembers Brasso.
The Ghost proceeded to inform Brasso of the errors he will make in the future, all with explicitly stated deadlines. Among other things, he stated that Brasso will have broken up with his girlfriend after receiving his Christmas gift from her (but before returning the favour), eaten all the gluten-free stuffing by the end of his family holiday dinner (despite his brother, who suffers from Celiac disease, only having a single serving), and texted several friends disparaging remarks about the Ghost of Christmas Future-Perfect himself by the time the hour was up.
“He seemed to have a real stick up his ass,” Brasso mused. When Brasso suggested to the ghost that there was not much difference between this spirit and the Ghost of Christmas Future, the ghost became irate. He reportedly yelled something about any old spirit being able to predict the future but it being less than helpful without a specific time frame attached.
Brasso said he was relieved when the ghost began to fade away at 2:58, though this proved to be a temporary feeling as the Ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Continuous arrived at 2:59.