“I like to put a little maple syrup in there to start my day,” says man drinking mug of maple syrup
OSHAWA – A man currently guzzling an entire mug of maple syrup admitted today that he likes to put a little maple syrup in there to get his day started right. “We all know that feeling when…
Uncircumcised man slips on turtleneck
CALEDON, ON – An exasperated Gene Snift finally yielded to the many interview requests from giggling reporters about the “turtleneck incident” that occured last week. “If I’m being totally …
Ford on seeing Phillips’ tropical Zoom background: “I thought that was Ajax!”
TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford insisted that he knew nothing about his finance minister’s trip to the Caribbean Island of St. Barts by claiming his Zoom background of palm trees and wh…
From the creators of Shark Week, comes Shart Week
NATIONWIDE – From the minds that brought you Shark Week, comes an entirely original week-long thrill about accidentally pooping when passing gas, called Shart Week. “There I was, alone in t…
Death of print media leaves spy exposed
REDACTED – The widespread proliferation of newspapers once guaranteed covert operatives like John Stuggs a portable piece of cover, now agents like him are left with only their smartphones …
Ford slams feds for not testing his finance minister returning from vacation
TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford denounced the federal government for not testing his cabinet minister Rod Phillips and others who are returning from international vacations. Phillips wa…
Report: Praying Mantises not as good at Kung Fu as legends claim
TORONTO, ON – A new study from the University of Toronto’s Centre for Martial Arts Research is suggesting that the long-held belief that mantis style kung fu was learned from watching actua…
“My, how you’ve grown,” report nation’s wolves-in-grandma’s clothes
OTTAWA – Across Canada, thousands of wolves-in-grandma’s clothes expressed delight at how much their “grandchildren” have grown since the last time they’ve seen them. “Uh why are my ears so…
Nation’s Victorian great uncles announce plans to marry their wards
YORK — In a joint statement to the press, a consortium of Victorian-era great uncles this week made public their intentions to marry the rich, orphaned heiresses under their legal guardianship. “…
Rudolph dies in freak reindeer games accident
BELLEVILLE, ON – Belleville Police have reported that Rudolph the Reindeer (recognizable from his trademark glowing red nose) has been found dead in the parking lot of a local Wal-Mart. Pol…
