Trudeau: Withholding bailout funds to stop Canadian companies from using tax havens would undermine our longstanding efforts to not stop Canadian companies from using tax havens
OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau wants the Canadian business community to know that this pandemic and the governmental response to it will in no way alter the Liberal government’s pol…
Sign language interpreters now surpass rock stars in jobs that fuck
VANCOUVER – COVID-19 isn’t the only fever spreading these days. According to a recent poll, sign language interpreters now outrank rock stars when it comes to jobs that fuck. Due to the cur…
Local woman discovers date’s numerous red flags over Zoom
CALGARY – A recent first date held over Zoom allowed Olivia Pepta, 28, to see the warning signs and troubling behaviours of her potential suitor without risking infection. With the whole na…
Report: 60% of illuminati can’t figure out how to join video call
WORLDWIDE – Attendance of regularly scheduled Illuminati council meetings have dropped to 40%, largely due to technical issues with the video meeting hosting programs being used. “I mean, I…
“We’re good,” ISS astronauts decline returning to Earth
HOUSTON – For the first time ever, astronauts aboard the International Space Station have declined to return to Earth, saying: “Nah, we’re good. Maybe later.” The message was relayed shortl…
Protester holding “Live Free or Die” sign excited to do both
Olympia, WA — As a participant in the protests against COVID related stay-at-home orders, conservative Tyler Loftis held a “Live Free or Die” sign to show his excitement to do both. “Governor Jay…
God tests positive for COVID-19 after church services continue
HEAVEN – After religious groups have continued to go to church despite warnings about large public gatherings, The Almighty One has contracted COVID-19. “At first I thought I just had a sor…
Deformed sourdough unceremoniously buried under the cover of night
Orillia, ON – What began as one quarantined woman’s attempt at bringing yet another sourdough bread into the world, has ended in tragedy as the severely disfigured loaf is currently being u…
Nation more aerodynamic than ever after everyone shaves head during lockdown
OTTAWA – After several weeks in self-isolation, and several months after their last haircut, thousands of Canadians took matters into their own hands and opted to shave their heads. This th…
“We need to open up the economy and get back to work,” says COVID-19
FLORIDA – Thousands of protestors took to the streets in the United States this past weekend to demand that social distancing rules end and people be allowed to return to work, including CO…