ATLANTA – In an effort to counter the high numbers of vaccine skeptics in the nation, the CDC has recently announced that they will be hiding doses in peanut butter. “We’ve kind of abandoned any hope ...
People of Alberta forced to launch their own war room lobbying for COVID response
CALGARY – The people of Alberta have announced their own war room which hopes to get the provincial government to take COVID-19 seriously. The new lobby organization, the Alberta People Centre, ...
Neat! This person who didn’t take the lockdown seriously is about to get vaccinated before you
TORONTO, ONT – Local resident, Tom Anderson, who didn’t follow any lockdown rules, is about to get vaccinated before you. Awesome! “This pandemic has been very hard,” began Anderson, who just la...
Alberta promptly issues emergency alert 14 months later
EDMONTON – Alberta’s UCP government has issued an emergency alert that should have been sent out sometime in early 2020. Acting swiftly to prevent a catastrophe that is already happening, ...
“This is so Kafkaesque,” says man with penis stuck in watermelon
AIRDRIE, AB – In a harrowing ordeal that serves as a trenchant insight into the alienation fundamental to the human condition, Charles Sharp’s wing wang is currently jammed in a 23 pound watermelon. ...
Local woman tragically forced to explain TikTok to therapist
HALIFAX – After a particularly harrowing week online, local University student Becky Clyborne was left with no choice but to explain the inner workings of TikTok to her therapist. “I told her, ‘...
FUN? This online escape room is just some guy’s poetry portfolio
WINNIPEG – A local librarian’s attempt to jump on the Google Docs-based “escape room” trend was revealed to be a shallow front to distribute his poetry portfolio. As the pandemic forced local ni...
BC apologizes for poor communication, says next pop-up vaccine clinic can be found “when moon and sun intertwine, where waters meet mountain’s spine”
VANCOUVER — After poor communication this week left dozens of people waiting hours for vaccines they would never get, BC Health Minister Adrian Dix formally apologized during the province’s latest COV...
Scathing auditor’s report on long-term care placed in a home, forgotten about until it dies
TORONTO – The Ontario government has responded to the Auditor General of Ontario’s Special Report on Pandemic Readiness and Response in Long-Term Care by surrendering it to a long-term home unti...
New website allows Ontarians to sign up for a pretend vaccine waitlist just for funsies
TORONTO – Following months of frustration surrounding Ontario’s delayed vaccine rollout, officials have announced the launch of a new website that will allow Ontarians to sign up for a pre...
