Financial sector aghast the poors are gaming system designed to be gamed by the rich
WALL STREET – A group of Redditors have bankrupted a hedge fund by betting on GameStop stock and the financial industry is furious and frightened by the fact that this shock to the markets …
Made-in-Canada vaccine is honestly just happy to be here
NATIONWIDE – A made-in-Canada vaccine has begun human clinical trials this week and sources reveal that it’s just happy to be in the mix. “I guess we’re a little late to the party, eh?” sai…
Boston Pizza announces some new $37 dollar “Cheesegetti with Hamburger” garbage
RICHMOND, BC – A press release from Boston Pizza has announced an exciting new menu item of overpriced cheese and beef that technically qualifies as food. “Boston Pizza is proud to be the restau…
Leafs finally discover key to success: not being in same division as Boston
TORONTO – Having started the 2021 NHL season with a record of 6-2 the ever disappointing Toronto Maple Leafs believe they have finally found what works for them: no longer having to play th…
Fear of failure completely justified
LONDON, ON – A recent study from Western University has determined that your fear of failure is completely justified. The study – lead by esteemed Sociology Professor John Daniels and…
Ford confident dead Ontarians would’ve been much happier seeing COVID funding used to balance his budget
QUEEN’S PARK – With Ontario sitting on $6.4 billion in unallocated pandemic-relief funds, more than any other province, Premier Doug Ford assured Ontarians that using those funds to balance…
COVID restrictions forces billionaires to play non-human version of chess
MONTENEGRO – With pandemic restrictions putting strict limits on the size of gatherings, many plutocrats around the world are finding they must now play chess with the original pieces, as o…
Yukon exposed to 2 cases of assholes
WHITEHORSE – The territorial government of Yukon has announced people in Whitehorse, and the Beaver Creek area may have been exposed to 2 cases of asshole. The confirmed cases, who used the…
Local man’s hand lotion unable to be placed anywhere without implying that’s where he jerks it
KAMLOOPS, BC – After Ian McKean purchased a 600 ml bottle of cocoa butter lotion, he has been unable to find a location in his apartment to put it that doesn’t suggest that’s where he furio…
New Harry Potter TV show will only go ahead if J.K. Rowling can personally inspect the genitals of everyone involved
LOS ANGELES – A new live-action Harry Potter television show is reportedly in very early development at HBO Max, and while no producers, directors, writers or actors have yet been attached,…
