Long-term care facilities to drop “long” and “care” from name

BARRIE, ON – In the wake of soaring COVID-19 deaths of patients of long-term care facilities, industry leaders have announced they will remove the words “long” and “care” in order to clear …

Erin O’Toole promises that Conservatives will always occupy the political centre of the far right

OTTAWA – With more Conservative MPs appearing to embrace right-wing conspiracy theories, Leader of the Opposition Erin O’Toole is assuring all Canadians that the Conservative Party of…

Local woman feels like she’s the only person taking pandemic seriously, is right, this has been a huge prank on you Jenny

Hamilton, ON – Jenny Reid, an executive assistant who’s been quarantining in her studio apartment due to Covid-19 since March 2020 feels like she’s the only person taking the pandemic serio…

Federal government unveils new guidelines to help stranded snowbirds go fuck themselves

OTTAWA – With an increasing number of Canadians encountering medical debts or immigration difficulties after spending the winter in the United States, the Canadian federal government has un…

Trudeau, Biden talk sports, how to break central campaign promises

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and President Joe Biden met on Tuesday to discuss important Canada – US relation topics, including some light talk about sports, and also how th…

Man currently paying out of pocket for dentist, therapist and medication grateful to live in country with Universal Healthcare

Kingston, ON – Local man Brandon Struthers, who currently spends thousands of dollars a year on healthcare, feels so lucky to live in a country where the government provides for everyone…

Anti-maskers celebrate Daft Punk breakup

CALGARY – Anti-maskers celebrated today after the announcement that Daft Punk, pioneering electronic musicians known for monster hits like “Get Lucky” and their robot helmet aes…

New tracking bracelets vibrate every time Doug Ford has dumb idea

TORONTO – The Office of the Auditor General of Ontario has unveiled a new line of digital tracking devices that vibrate every time Doug Ford posits a very stupid idea. The Auditor General s…

New Zoom filter adds pants, will to live

SAN JOSE, CA – Videoconferencing giant Zoom has announced a line of visual filters for the hot new market of customers who show up to meetings wondering what’s even the point anymore. The n…

Cheryl Gallant claims statement that ‘Liberals are a Satanic pedophile ring that bathes in the blood of children’ was taken out of context

OTTAWA – Conservative MP Cheryl Gallant said today that her recent claim about Liberals being part of a global pedophilia ring that uses their blood as soap was a “simple misunderstan…