Here’s What Vaccine You Are Based on Your Zodiac Sign! - The Beaverton

Here’s What Vaccine You Are Based on Your Zodiac Sign!

Vaccine season is finally here! Have you ever wondered which big pharma company made the perf vaccine for your astrological sign? We did hella research and here’s what we found out: 

 Aries, Leo, and Sagitarrius = Pfizer 

Known for being the leaders of the zodiac, these fire signs are a perfect match for Pfizer BioNTech, the company that profiteered off of life-saving AIDS medication in the early 2000’s (oopsie!).  We all know an ambitious, energetic fire sign that would exploit a vulnerable population or two, amirite ladies and gents? The “P” in Pfizer might as well stand for “Passionate,” ‘cause that’s exactly what Aries, Leo and Sagitarrius are! 

Cancer and Pisces = Johnson and Johnson

These empathetic water signs are always glad to hear you out, just like how J&J heard that we need to get laid ASAP and cooked up this single-dose miracle vaxxy. Nurturers at heart, the water signs are the caretakers of the zodiac (#MomEnergy). They’d definitely put Johnson & Johnson baby powder on your little bum if they got the chance! Just don’t ask them about the trace amounts of asbestos in it… they know nothing about that. Promise! 

Taurus, Virgo, and Capricorn = Moderna 

Girl boss alert! Moderna is a match made in COVID heaven for the dependable earth signs. Though the Pfizer gang may be getting all the attention, humble queen Moderna is working hard without the recognition. Any sensible Taurus, Virgo, or Capricorn could appreciate how Moderna #grinded and pre-sold hundreds of millions of vaccines to rich governments before giving other countries in need a chance! 

Libra, Aquarius  = AstraZeneca 

Did someone say quirky?! The ideal match for these free-spirited and unpredictable air signs is the Oxford-AstraZeneca vaccine. Though the communicative Aquarius’ and Libra’s may not be for everybody, they deserve a chance to be accepted just like our little AstraZenny. If you can’t handle them at their occasional, rare blood clot, then you don’t deserve them at their 63% efficacy rate!

Gemini = A Four Loko 

Gemini’s are here for a good time, not a long time. That’s why their best vaccine is the most insane drink to ever exist on planet earth, a Four Loko. After a few sips, they’ll be back to feeling immortal and talking up a storm to someone that is definitely not paying attention.

Scorpio = A trip to the therapist and a long, hard look at themselves in the mirror. 

This would help a Scorpio more than a COVID vaccine ever would.