ONTARIO – With daily new cases of Covid-19 now consistently falling below 1200, Ontario citizens are celebrating despite the fact that these numbers would have had them peeing their pants back in September.
“Remember at the end of September, when cases jumped from like 400 to 700 a day? That was when I started bleaching my groceries,” remembers Hamilton bartender Fergus Rugger. “But now that daily cases are down to just around one-thousand, me and the cashier share a celebratory kiss on my way out of the store.”
After a difficult third wave, Ontario health officials are also breathing a sigh of relief that the few public health half-measures they managed to pry out of Premier Ford’s clenched, clammy fists had any effect at all.
“There’s nothing like completely uncontrolled community transmission to make you appreciate mostly-uncontrolled community transmission,” said Dr. Brenda Melgren of Public Health Ontario.
When cases started climbing again in the Fall, Ontario residents began what analysts call “fear buying,” hoarding both toilet paper and hand sanitizer; today, Ontario residents are engaging in “gamblers on a winner’s high buying,” purchasing party supplies, group vacations, and so, so many fireworks.
Teachers are celebrating harder than anyone, and have reportedly been rubbing Ontario’s success in the faces of their East Coast colleagues who are on a terrifying uptick of 20 new cases per day.
“When I saw just 1,000 new cases, I felt happier than I’ve ever been,” beamed Guelph English teacher Marilyn Kasprak. “I wish we could stay at 1,000 forever.”
As Dr. Aaron Shuldberg of the Canadian Psychological Association explained, there is a cognitive reason for this newfound optimism: “When a few people die, it’s a tragedy. When a lot of people die, you’re like ‘wow, guess it was pretty short-sighted of me to be sad when those few people died.’”
“Or it could be another psychological phenomenon, which experts refer to as ‘Big number after lots of bigger numbers seems small,’” added Dr. Shuldberg thoughtfully.
When asked to comment on Ontario’s stunning transformation from “death trap” to mere “death quagmire,” Trudeau offered these words of hope: “As I always say, celebrate every win. And sometimes 1,000 losses is a win.”