Nintendo announces that the last of your neglected Animal Crossing villagers have died
REDMOND, WASHINGTON – As part of their latest update to Animal Crossing: New Horizons, Nintendo announced that players who haven’t visited their island in several months have doomed their animal …
Canadian geese reaffirm plans to fuck up every walk you take from now until November
LONDON, ON – Meeting in a vast pile of their own chartreuse shit, an assembly of Canadian Geese gathered to mark the annual renewal of their commitment to make every walk you take within th…
Ontario bans non-essential jacking off
TORONTO – At a press conference this morning Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced that the province would be banning all non-essential jacking off to combat the rise of COVID-19. “List…
Bernie Madoff dies after failing to convince 3 other people to die for him
BUTNER, NC – Representatives for Bernie Madoff, orchestrator of the largest Ponzi scheme in history, have confirmed the financial fraudster has died in prison after failing to recruit 3 peo…
Liberal MP promotes his OnlyFans page during Virtual Question Period
OTTAWA – After being caught totally naked on camera during a recent Virtual Question Period, Liberal MP William Amos assured his constituents he was simply trying to raise the profile of hi…
Teachers reveal learning cursive in school just way to “kill time”
WOLFVILLE, NS – The Canadian Teacher’s Association has revealed that the addition of cursive to the school curriculum was only meant as a way to “kill some time.” “Honestly, we just sort of…
Local mother and father play a rousing round of Who is the Tiredest?
MONCTON – After growing weary of their regular routine of parenting of three young children, Tony Garcia and Emma Weston managed to bring excitement and joie-de-vivre back into their lives …
Ontario government: The purpose of our scientists’ COVID projections was for betting purposes only
TORONTO – The province of Ontario clarified that any of the COVID-19 projections made by provincial doctors, scientists, and epidemiologists were for politicians to make bets on if they cam…
Winter leg hair declared old growth by UNESCO
VICTORIA – After months of deliberation and strenuous debate, an expanse of winter leg hair located on the lower half of Hannah Angelopoulos has now been classified as old growth by the Uni…
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