“While we have made great progress in containing the number of COVID-19 cases, as long as I remain Premier, we’re not quite out of the woods yet,” Ford said in a recent press conference. “We are asking the people of Ontario not to relax, just because we told employers and businesses they could relax.”
“According to experts, there are still several ways for me to screw over the entire province.” Ford continued. “This Delta variant definitely seems like just the kind of thing I wouldn’t handle properly. If it requires distributing more vaccines, I’m just going to mail them to people and let the post office figure it out.”
Ford offered some mixed blessings by reminding the press that it need not be a pandemic for him to fuck everything up. “There are a lot of ways I could drop the ball on running the province. I could forget to pay Hydro One, make the OPP ride miniature horses instead of cars. Hell, everyday I don’t send an email to the wrong province’s legislation is a victory.”
“By the way, I’m still learning email,” Ford reminded his 14.7 million constituents.
In order to prevent a second wave of Doug Ford, people should maintain a safe distance from all conservative news outlets, register for an appointment to vote, and regularly clean and disinfect the Conservative party.
In related news, former Premier Kathleen Wynne opened the newspaper and laughed for the 431st consecutive day in a row.