Ford invokes Notwithstanding Clause to prevent people from pointing out what a fucking piece of shit he is

TORONTO – Doug Ford invoked the Notwithstanding Clause yesterday in order to pass an unconstitutional bill restricting outside parties from telling voters what an absolute piece of shit he …

Fully vaccinated grandparents descend on nation’s strip clubs

OTTAWA – As elderly Canadians receive their second COVID vaccine before younger citizens, hordes of thirsty seniors are flooding into the nation’s strip clubs. “I spent quarantine worrying I’d ha…

Ontario vaccination registration web-designers unprepared for possibility of people using site

TORONTO – After the provincial vaccination website opened to residents looking to book their second dose became slow, unwieldy, and inaccurate, web-designers hired for the job confronted th…

Thousands of losers wait in line for retail stores rather than have everything shipped to them by evil conglomerate

TORONTO – As retail stores opened in Ontario this weekend, thousands of losers, nobodies and morons chose to stand in line to buy items from retail stores instead of just ordering everythin…

White man listing privileges starting to feel pretty accomplished

VANCOUVER, BC – Part-time twitch streamer Corey McIntosh was in the middle of outlining the unfair privileges he enjoys over others on Facebook when suddenly he began to feel pretty good ab…

Beans lose classification as Magical Fruit

OTTAWA – In a controversial decision, the Canadian Plants Council has reclassified beans, from Magical Fruit to common legume. “We all know the saying,” said Monica Lee, the President of th…

Cupcake made to look like tiny football tastes like ass

ST. CATHARINES, ON – 6 year old Caylen Phillips, who has an obsession with football, received cupcakes at his recent birthday party which were shaped and designed to look like tiny football…

Man who “loves reading” actually just likes falling asleep while holding a book

Minden Hills, ON – Local man Jacob Hall claims to love reading, but actually just loves falling asleep with a book on his chest. “Whether it’s sci-fi, fantasy or non-fiction, I …

Feminism Win! This Sex Doll has a mouth

In a man’s world, it can be hard to find a win :(. But this #feminist just got a little cheerier because see this sex doll right here? This silicone woman-shaped 46-14-36 vessel for Dick Dannon? …

Quiz: Can you remember these Canadian historical figures even though we took down their statues?

We all know that if we take down a statue of someone, they are immediately erased from all history textbooks and their actions lost to the sands of time. But can you, somehow, remember these impo…