TORONTO – Marie Klein, 22, found herself unwittingly calling forth a devil from the deepest Hells while going about her usual self-confidence building ritual.
On the advice of a self-help book she found inside a burnt down church, Klein now begins each morning by repeating several ‘power phrases’ to herself in the bathroom mirror. These include: “You are confident”, “You are a go-getter” and “Aperi januam tenebrarum, audi nomen ejus”
One particular morning in addition to using the power of self-suggestion to adopt a positive outlook, she also unknowingly opened her soul to a demonic entity hellbent on improving her life.
While Klein‘s mortal soul hangs in the balance of the eternal war of Good versus Evil, she has nothing but good things to say about the effects of her new self-care routine.
“I used to be kind of a wallflower but lately I feel so much more confident. I’ve even had complete strangers come up and tell me I’m glowing!” laughed Klein, glowing menacingly.
Klein’s roommate Greg Dubois corroborates her sudden miraculous change. ”Marie used to have so much trouble speaking her mind. But now I can even hear her voice when she’s not speaking. Her words consume me. Her will be done.”
Klein’s new self-possessed attitude has led to several tangible improvements in her life as she recounts.
“I got promoted to a supervisor at my work. Management just offered me the job completely out of the blue after my old supervisor threw himself through a 6th story window.” Klein said, pressing ‘blend’ on an acai-snake blood morning boost smoothie.
“Plus, I finally have the energy to pursue my old hobbies. For instance, I have been reading so much. Sure, most of it is backwards and in a language older than time but the point is I’m finding the time to read.”
At press time, Father MacDougall, a priest from the local parish, was attempting to exorcise the life-improving demon from Klein by getting her back on social media.