Award-winning death metal band turns out to be dishwasher full of old nails

STOCKHOLM – Fans of the Swedish death metal band Malfunctioning Whirlpool were shocked to discover that the hit musical group is actually nothing more than recordings of an old dishwasher r…

Negotiating with the convoy may have legitimized them, but at least it accomplished absolutely nothing

By: Jim Watson, Mayor of Ottawa I understand many Ottawa residents and Canadians as a whole were angered by my decision to negotiate with the convoy leaders, because it signified them as a legiti…

Opinion: I didn’t get it at first but once you start fucking Pete Davidson it totally makes sense

LOS ANGELES – By 2025, the World Health Organization predicts 80 percent of the world’s population will have contracted COVID-19, and 91 percent will have fucked Pete Davidson.  I fucked Pe…

Ottawa police chief resigns to spend more time with friends and loved ones

OTTAWA — As Ottawa enters its third week of occupation by Freedom Convoy protestors, Ottawa Police Chief Peter Sloly tendered his resignation today, citing a desire to spend more quality time wit…

Wait, what? This lesbian movie has a happy ending

HOLLYWOOD, CA – Last week, Digimagine Filmworks released their anticipated lesbian period drama, Calling The Wife. However, viewers were shocked to find out that the film actually had a hap…

Nation’s conspiracy theorists celebrate False Flag Day

OTTAWA – As Canadians spent the day commemorating the inauguration of the country’s iconic maple leaf flag, the nation’s weird shut-ins took to obscure subreddits for a celebration of…

Peaceful guns, democratic machetes seized from Alberta convoy protest

COUTTS, AB – Sources report that the RCMP have arrested 11 people at the Coutts border blockade who planned to peacefully participate in the democratic process with firearms, body armour and volu…

Top 2 things to do with your cat this Valentine’s day

Finding yourself alone yet again on Valentine’s day? With no one to share the special day with, except that cat you agreed to adopt when your roommate moved to Montreal? Not to worry, The Beavert…

Microwave vs Air Fryer: Which reheats sex toys better?

Listen, we all know the struggle. You’ve had a long day, and all you want is just to reheat something hot to fill you up inside for tonight. It used to be simple! Pop it in the microwave and acce…

Trudeau invokes Embarrassing Emergencies Act

OTTAWA – In light of the severe humiliation Canada is experiencing on the world stage due to the country’s inability to handle the anti-vaccine protesters, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is …