TORONTO – After an exhausting work week, local resident Sarah Smythe is shocked and dismayed to find herself trapped at her friend’s escape room party.
“There’s no way out now, my hands are tied,” claimed Smythe. “Literally. My hands are tied behind my back. It’s part of the whole prison escape vibe this place is going for. This is the worst. God, I fucking hate my friends for making me do this.”
Smythe reportedly agreed to attend the event after being told there would be free food, a promise that she has learned was entirely fabricated.
“This is all Amy’s fault,” said Smythe, gesturing in the direction of a woman attempting to open a padlocked safe while wearing a Cars 2 party hat from Dollarama. “She said there would be sushi and she was flat out lying. I guess I’ll just eat the half a granola bar I have left over from lunch- oh wait, they made me put my purse in a cubby.”
After a heavy silence in which she contemplates the distance from the pretend jail cell to the very real fire exit, Smythe continued ruefully, “You and me both, granola bar. You and me both…”
Making matters worse, Smythe recently realized the escape room “jailkeeper” was in fact a Tinder date she had ghosted six months ago after he admitted he was “still super into Ninja Turtles, and also do you want to come to my stand-up show?”
“This is my personal hell,” sighed Smythe as she half-heartedly deciphers a cryptic code, hoping nobody asks her to participate in a group photo or team cheer.
At press time, Smythe attempted to sneak out the venue’s fire exit, and was inadvertently caught in the crossfire of a particularly intense paintball game in the room next door. Covered in neon paint, she stepped into an Uber, vowing to never leave her house again.