Local man confused that knowing all the stats for the 1997 Buffalo Sabres hasn’t opened more doors

ST. CATHARINES, ON – Local man Devon Rettinger recently expressed bewilderment that his thorough knowledge of the statistics of the Buffalo Sabres in their 1996-1997 season hasn’t led to mo…

Deadbeat sun thinks it can just come back after all this time

VANCOUVER — Across the city Spring has begun unfolding in all the predictable ways; flowers blooming, jackets shrinking, and The Sun, that deadbeat asshole, sneaking back into our lives expecting…

5 return-to-office tips for not being recognized as a husk of your former self

Uh oh! Your co-workers haven’t seen you in person since March of 2020, back when you were a hopeful idealist with a pep in her step and a contagious joie de vivre. Now you’re an empty shell only …

BC gov’t vows old-growth forests will be protected, varnished

VICTORIA – In honour of Earth Day, the BC Government has reaffirmed its commitment to protect the province’s remaining ancient, old-growth forests using a number of varnishes, stains, or se…

5 small joys you can cut out of your life and still not be able to afford a home

With home prices doubling in the last 5 years and increasingly divorced from the incomes of Canadians such that the real estate market has created a completely parallel universe devoid of anythin…

Efficient new edition of TurboTax just asks how much fraud you’re comfortable with

OTTAWA – Sources have learned that this year’s standard edition of TurboTax skips right to the point by asking “So, how much you wanna try pulling over on the feds?” when the program is launched.…

Ontario Conservatives promise universal handguns if re-elected

QUEEN’S PARK – The PC party of Ontario has just announced their bold pledge to provide handguns to all Ontarians if re-elected in June. “My priority is always the safety and welfare of the …

Real Life Paddington? Boyfriend wearing his little coat

SURREY, BC- In an exciting turn of events, 29-year-old boyfriend Ben McDonald revealed himself to be a real life Paddington bear today when he bundled himself up in his little coat and boots and …

Netflix cracks down on password sharing to help users let go of their ex

LOS GATOS, CALIFORNIA – The online streaming service Netflix has announced their intention to discourage different people from making use of the same account in an effort to get users to fi…

Beer that tastes like sweat wins brewing award

FREDERICTON — New Brunswick microbrewery Weasel Belly Ales has won the 2022 Liquid Innovation Prize for developing a new style of beer that experts say tastes like sweat. The winning brew, a pale…