SUDBURY, ON – Local man Nick Jacobs declared this weekend that he was confident in his pro-life stance despite making every pro-choice argument there is.
Eight minutes after arriving at his buddy’s BBQ, Jacobs slapped on his Bass Pro Shop youth-XL netback and, despite the groans of everyone around him, drove the conversation to politics. “Obviously every fetus should be carried to term”, declared Jacobs, “unless the mother’s health is at risk, the fetus isn’t viable, or if the pregnancy is the result of a sexual assault”.
“But, other than that, every single fetus!”.
Jacobs, whose mental image of a pro-choice individual is basically just Miss Trunchbull at an all-you-can-abort-buffet, continued with, “also, there should be options for mothers who would otherwise miss out on education, employment, or find themselves in an abusive relationship. Man, I should really start writing all these down…”
After taking ten minutes to jot his “totally original” thoughts into his phone, including exceptions like cases of incest or failed birth control, Jacobs confirmed, “Okay, so, other than allllll this stuff, I am pro-life, no exceptions whatsoever.”
“Although…”, mused Jacobs between sips of his lukewarm PBR before typing another six paragraphs on his notes app.
Witnesses say this isn’t the first time Jacobs has been spotted doing other “pro-life” behaviours such as: supporting access to birth control, acknowledging that a fetus isn’t a baby, and undermining the validity of those two arguments by coating them with some asinine bullshit he read on his uncle’s Facebook page.
“Listen, having a baby is expensive! And even though I cherish every life on God’s green earth…” said the misty-eyed 22 year old who only goes to church on Christmas, Easter, and when grandma lays on the guilt, “…I should be free to choose whether to take on that financial burden! And that freedom of choice is something I have no thanks to those freedom-hating Liberals”.
“And don’t get me wrong, I know that abortion is a super complex issue and it is important to hear voices from all sides”, continued Jacobs, cutting off the only woman at the party. “But, at the end of the day, I am pro-life because I believe that every single pregnant person needs to carry their pregnancy from conception to birth unless, of course, they honestly just can’t.”
Once his speech concluded, Jacobs’s friends pulled him aside to show him a news source not owned by a Fox subsidiary – and his buddy Alex took the opportunity to declare that he’s not a socialist, he just thinks that access to publicly-funded healthcare should be a basic human right.