HOLLYWOOD — House of the Dragon, a new Game of Thrones prequel, has recently been spotted outside the windows of former fans of the epic fantasy series, holding a sign that said “I swear I’ve changed, baby” and vehemently promising that it won’t make the same mistakes again, because you deserve better.
“No, babe, I totally get where I went wrong, and it was super my fault,” it yelled, tossing a rock at a window as the beloved Thrones’ theme song blasted from a boombox. “I know I let myself go in the last two seasons! I know I had too much unnecessary rape and violence and not enough, you know, basic storytelling! But I’ve listened AND learned! You’ve gotta believe me!”
The new series then went on an hour-long rant explaining how it totally still has to depict violence against women because “It’s just loyal to the time period and you know how loyalty has always been supes important to me, babe.”
Former Game of Thrones fan Emma Turlington explained that she was hesitant to dip her toe back into the sexy waters of ice and fire, but was desperate to find love again.
“I named my first daughter ‘Khaleesi’ before season eight came out,” she said from her kitchen table, wistfully clutching a ‘Jon Snow is my Azor Ahai’ mug. “And after the fallout from that, I thought, no, I’m done, I’ve been hurt too much.”
“But House of the Dragon promised,” she continued, tears forming in her eyes. “It promised it will be different this time. And if I can’t trust the thing that tried to gaslight me into believing Bran had the best storyline and deserved to rule Westeros, what can I trust?”
At press time, House of the Dragon’s creators were unavailable for comment, as they were too busy lowering the brightness of every major battle scene for “dramatic spooky effect that will definitely look great on your home TVs, we swear.”