Attractive woman doesn’t understand why no one will tell her about Bitcoin

CALGARY – Local restaurant hostess and former beauty queen Sonia Norris is desperate for a man to tell her about Bitcoin, and can’t fathom why none of them will. “Nothing turns me on …

“We pay a living wage” Brags restaurant that only schedules 3 hour shifts

PETROLIA, ON – White Fox Gastropub wooed the local community today by announcing that they will pay employees a living wage despite only scheduling four three-hour shifts per week. “I’m her…

Five subtle ways to tell your friends you’re a ketamine guy now

[EDITOR: If you don’t know what ketamine is, get hip! It’s a horse tranquilizer that’s made its way to the streets, a possible therapeutic treatment for depression, and a dissociative substance t…

Toronto Police launch task force to send guns from Toronto to Ukraine

TORONTO – In an effort to help Ukraine in the ongoing war with Russia, Toronto Police announced yesterday that they will be launching a special task force that will look to recover illegal …

Local man’s emotional well being still entirely dependent on sport controlled by these idiots

TORONTO – Local man Geoff Mclaughlin has confirmed that, at the age of 35, his entire emotional state still rides on the results of a game whose outcome is often left entirely in control of…

Pervert astronomers posting hole

WASHINGTON, DC – An international conglomerate of horndog scientists have made the news by posting hole on main. “The hole we’ve discovered is dense and tight,” said Event Horizon Telescope spoke…

Uh oh! We told this graduating class they can do anything and they believed us!

Oh hell, we really did it this time. We were asked to give a speech at the graduation of a local high school and carelessly ended it with a generic encouraging statement about how they can achiev…

4 tips for getting your body ready for tick season

MUSKOKA – As the weather gets warmer, it’s natural to feel a little vulnerable about showing extra skin, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Tina Fontina, entomologist and personal trainer, is he…

Sportsnet apologises for interrupting gambling commercial with hockey 

TORONTO – Sportsnet has issued an apology to its viewers after several minutes of a hockey game were broadcast without a single reference to gambling.  “At Sportsnet, the last thing we want to do…

Poll: Majority of Canadians favour making sports betting illegal again just to get rid of the fucking ads

OTTAWA – A new poll by Angus Reid has confirmed that the vast majority of Canadians would favour de-legalizing sports betting if it means the incessant ads would finally stop. “When t…