Well, here we are: after ignoring years of warnings that replacing warehouse workers and restaurant employees with robots was only the beginning, we’re now at the point where those entering the job market must accept literally any position that won’t soon be better performed by a machine. So, with that obligatory “we told you so” out of the way, without further ado, here are the terrifyingly few career options remaining to today’s youth:
1: Surrogate
Apparently, human reproductive systems are much harder to recreate than human brains. Try not to dwell on what that says about us, and just focus on the golden employment opportunity it presents. Of course, this does mean that in 18 years there’ll be even more desperate humans needing non-existent jobs, but maybe ChatGPT can produce some sort of solution.
2: Drag Queen
For those who can’t get pregnant, this is your best option. Due to our misogynistic association of women with servitude, almost all AI is made with female voices and names, and therefore won’t be breaking into the drag queen market. So go ahead and make Republican leaders’ heads explode: if they hadn’t prioritized economic growth over the people the economy was meant to serve, we wouldn’t have AI taking our jobs in the first place.
3: Kindergarten teacher
Being trapped alone in a room all day with 30 screaming, snotty, biting, only half-potty-trained four-year-olds, and then being rewarded with accusations of laziness and indoctrination? Yeah, even the robots will take a pass on this one. They’re inhuman, not superhuman.
4: Royal attendant to His Majesty, the King of Prussia
AI can’t take a job that’s already dead.
5: Suicide crisis line operator
With everyone’s income coming from UBI rather than the fulfillment and dignity of work, we’re going to need a lot more of these than we have parts to build robots.
So there you have it: your survival guide to a job market where you can never compete in the one area employers value most: being a lifeless shell with no independent thoughts or biological needs that will get in the way of your work. Besides using it to plan the rest of your miserable life, make sure to share this list with anyone who still extols the wonders of unchecked technological advancement!
