MILTON, ON – Presenting a progressive public image, local creep Bruce Jamieson, 28, a man who has a noted history of ignoring consent and sexual misconduct, posted a Facebook status today t…
Local
Bar described as ‘hidden gem’ receives millionth Yelp review
MONTRÉAL – The restaurant Le Sanctuaire on boul St. Laurent, described on its web page as Montréal’s hidden gem, has received its millionth review on Yelp, sources report. “We’re a small, family-…
Man baffled favourite homophobic movie from high school doesn’t hold up
SHERWOOD PARK, AB – After repeatedly proclaiming it to be “the best movie of all time”, local ATB Financial branch manager, Eric Parsons, 36, was shocked Saturday to discover his favourite …
Update: Parent who made half-assed attempt to discipline child has gone back to looking at their phone
PICKERING, ON – In an update to an earlier situation, local parent Sandra MacLean has returned to experimenting with filters on her phone after making a half-hearted attempt at disciplining…
Kingston renamed Queen’s University Theme Park
KINGSTON – After years of struggling to hold Queen’s unending stream of young, white, and wealthy students accountable for disrespecting the city, Mayor Bryan Paterson surrendered today and…
Worldly sophisticate follows soccer
TORONTO – Eric Bromley, a learned internationalist who clearly holds himself too sophisticated for such parochial pursuits as hockey or basketball, settled down to enjoy an English Premier …
Hyper-realistic historical village only fun for affluent white man
TORONTO – While his wife and children suffered immense misfortune and strife, Tim Bailey, 48, the patriarch of an affluent caucasian family of four, is said to have had an absolutely lovely…
Scientist who claimed universe is simulation found dead in swimming pool with no ladder
PLEASANTVIEW, AB – Tragedy hit a small residential neighbourhood today when the body of one of its residents was found having seemingly drowned in a swimming pool after being unable to find…
Boss a little too enthusiastic about celebrating office Chinese New Year
LONDON, ON – Wearing a red and gold tie and bowing as his employees came into work, Gerald Turning, 57, a local sales manager at Brenk-Co Plastics was reportedly a tad over enthusiastic abo…
Local woman insists co-workers feel her cold hands
WANDERING RIVER, AB – Eyewitnesses are reporting that a 41-year-old local woman suffering from poor circulation spent most of yesterday morning trying to prove to her co-workers that she wa…
