KINGSTON – After years of struggling to hold Queen’s unending stream of young, white, and wealthy students accountable for disrespecting the city, Mayor Bryan Paterson surrendered today and agreed to rename Kingston ‘Queen’s University Theme Park’.
“I’m just too tired to keep fighting,” sighed Paterson, signing off on an event license for a permanent pancake kegger in the Bellevue House National Historic Site without a second glance. “At least now their antics might offer financial returns by way of tourism.”
Paterson showed reporters blueprints for different attractions he had conceded to, including gladiator style events at Fort Henry where purpled engineers will compete for who can climb up a greased symbol for masculinity the fastest.
“For years we tried to show people that Kingston was more than teens slamming their jackets on the ground,” sniffled Paterson, looking wistfully into a Kingston snowglobe. “The city has an entire personality outside of Queens. I mean, Bryan Adams is from here! Gord Downie is from here… Uhm. I’m from here.”
Even Queen’s has converted some campus buildings to accommodate additional park activities, like reopening Mackintosh-Corry Hall as the Mac Corry Unsolvable Maze. One attraction in the works is a mock Homecoming tailgate that will take place every day at noon. Families will be invited to watch students participating in the parade perform the Oilthigh, and place bets on which will puke first.
Paterson seemed near tears revealing a 3D mockup of the completed park, its perimeter outlined by Princess Street, Lake Ontario, and Albert Street, with the legend for the model indicating that anything outside of that triangle was considered more or less an elephant graveyard situation.
Paterson remarked that he was ‘a broken man’ while holding up a gift shop shirt reading “Queen’s University Theme Park: Celebrating 176 Years of calling the residents of Kingston ‘Townies’”. However the business plan has already proven successful, with the new tourism revenue matching the amount lost when cars became more gas efficient and people no longer needed to stop in Kingston on their way to Montréal.