TORONTO – While his wife and children suffered immense misfortune and strife, Tim Bailey, 48, the patriarch of an affluent caucasian family of four, is said to have had an absolutely lovely visit at Dark River Pioneer Village on Saturday.
Noted for its historical accuracy, the open air museum prides itself on being a great place for people like Mr. Bailey, who is a Richmond Hill-based financial adviser, to enjoy life as they would have in early 19th century, while for everyone else, the museum is an hands-on opportunity to experience of the inequality and hardships of yesteryear as they would have in the early 19th century.
“This village appeals to my interest in history, woodworking, and owning things,” said Bailey sporting a racoon skin cap he purchased from the gift shop. “I feel a strong connection to the past here. I learned about my great-great-grandfather who built our family farm on Indigenous land, paving the way for future generations to prosper.”
The Village is brought to life by a cast of extremely dedicated actors who portray the small community as it would have been over two hundred years ago. Complete with a functional blacksmith shop, cider mill, town hall and a Masonic lodge, the Village is said to have something for everyone, unless you’re not a rich white man.
Unbeknownst to Mr. Bailey, who was busy enjoying the saloon, his wife, Karen, was quickly denounced as a harlot for displaying her bare arms at the butter churn. She was then castigated for not knowing Bible scripture and summarily sent to the stocks as punishment, where she stayed for the remainder of the visit.
“Enforcing the Village’s archaic values can be awkward,” said Marshal Longreen, one of the park’s actors. “I’m pretty progressive in real life, but it’s a paid acting gig. The hardest part of the job is when we have to carry torches and run the non-Christian visitors out of town.”
“Just so much running.”
The Bailey children spent most of their day in the lobby, waiting for their parents after befalling terrible simulated fates. The eldest child Danny, 13, was woodchopping until he was told that he lost three fingers in an accident and contracted gangrene. An hour later, their middle child, Jenny age 11, was accused of witchcraft after asking if the Village had WiFi, and was summarily burned at the stake. Finally, somewhere between her time in the school house and dairy farm the youngest Bailey, Melissa age 9, contracted smallpox and was told she had died, and was asked to leave.
At press time, Tim Bailey was seen wandering into a nearby stable, running his hands along the wooden boards and muttering, “I could build this.”