SHERWOOD PARK, AB – After repeatedly proclaiming it to be “the best movie of all time”, local ATB Financial branch manager, Eric Parsons, 36, was shocked Saturday to discover his favourite childhood film from 1996 was, according to sources, incredibly homophobic, and did not withstand the test of time.
Guests at Mr. Parson’s movie night raised eyebrows at their host’s choice to screen In the Army Now an adventure-comedy that uses bigoted language and gay panic. Despite their protests, Mr. Parsons insisted to the group, citing how funny it is and how much of influence it had on him as a young man.
“I don’t think Eric had watched that movie in years. It’s so bad. Like, really bad.” said friend Laurie Stanton. “He should have known: everything that was popular in the ‘90s has some degree of homophobia in it. I mean, just look at Friends.”
Within six-minutes of pressing play, Parsons’ friends were squirming uncomfortably in their seats. Doubling-down and apparently unaware of the irony of his statement, he then tried to reassure the room that the movie would improve saying, “Don’t worry. It gets better.”
According to guests, it did not.
After a particularly problematic scene that included overt homophobia, misogyny, body-shaming, transphobia and a four minute monologue riddled with anti-gay slurs, Parsons was visibly shaken and paused the movie stating, “Oh wow. This is bad. Wow. I don’t remember any of this… I was like fourteen when it came out. I was pretty buzzed on Jolt soda at the time. Everybody loved it back then. We didn’t… I mean… I would never say… How was this even made? It’s so, so bad.”
Witnesses report Mr. Parsons then turned off the movie and rushed to his bedroom where he was seen logging onto his Facebook account muttering, “This is terrible. I can’t believe Pauly Shore would betray me like this.”
After editing all of his “Interests” lists and warning his old high school friends to do the same, Parsons returned to the living room where he tried to lighten the mood by putting on Eddie Murphy’s Raw.