VANCOUVER – As temperatures continue to remain high over large sections of Canada, Vancouverite Cheryl McCloud is keeping cool the only way she can: complaining. “It’s not that I enjoy comp…
Cassini spacecraft responds to self-destruct order with cryptic laugh
PASADENA – Experts at the NASA Jet Propulsion Laboratory are stumped, and more than a little disturbed, by the cryptic laugh they received from the Cassini spacecraft in response to the sel…
Apple’s latest iPhone disturbingly optimized for tiny, raccoon-sized hands
SAN FRANCISCO – With the traditional fanfare that accompanies all new Apple products, Apple has officially released the iPhone 8. The phone features faster processing speeds, an improved ca…
Producers of “It” reboot assure audience it won’t contain book’s infamous scene of children having gluten
LOS ANGELES – It producers want to assure potential moviegoers that the film will not contain the book’s infamous scene of a group of eleven-year-olds having gluten with each other. “As art…
Compassionate judge acquits all young men charged with the kind of sexual assaults he got away with at their age
TORONTO – Justice Perry Smith wants the young white men who he routinely sees brought before him on charges of sexual assault and violence against women to know that he’s more than an impar…
Best Eclipse Ever! The sun hasn’t been seen for 27 hours
WORLDWIDE – Y’all, the party of the decade, century, and millennium is still going strong as the total solar eclipse enters its 28th hour. Temperatures have fallen by about 10 degrees, but …
Right-wing history buff objects to removal of Strom Thurmond’s bedbug infested mattress
Columbia, SC – A battle is brewing over the fate of a 40-year-old bedbug-ridden mattress believed to once have been slept on by deceased South Carolina Governor and Senator Strom Thurmond. …
Canada holds nationwide beauty pageant to find most effective NAFTA negotiator
OTTAWA – In preparation for the upcoming round of NAFTA renegotiation talks, Canada is searching for the most effective possible negotiator through a nationwide beauty pageant. “We consider…
Poll: Most Canadians love single-payer healthcare except Alan, the single payer
MONTREAL – A new poll shows most Canadians are either happy or very happy with the current single payer system, with the notable exception of 28 year old Alan Roberts, the man personally re…
Frat members form human chain to rescue beer cooler swept out to sea
FLORIDA – Earlier today, dozens of fraternity brothers from Alpha Kappa Phi braved the pounding surf and formed a human chain in a daring rescue effort to reach a beer cooler swept out to s…
