SAN FRANCISCO – With the traditional fanfare that accompanies all new Apple products, Apple has officially released the iPhone 8. The phone features faster processing speeds, an improved camera, and a surprisingly raccoon-friendly redesign.
“It takes you from day to night, from business to home, from the wilds of a deciduous forest to a back alley filled with overflowing dumpsters,” Apple CEO Tim Cook said of the new phone in his keynote speech during the unveiling. “We set out to make a phone any hyper-intelligent raccoon can just pick up and use, and we think we’ve succeeded.”
“And just in time, too,” Cook added ominously.
Reviews of the new phone are mixed. Some tech bloggers praised the new lightweight handset while others complained that even their pinkies were too large to manipulate an interface designed for the “creepily human-like” hand of a mammal approximately one tenth the size of a person.
“You won’t find better contrast, blacker blacks, or sharper lines than the screen of the new iPhone 8. But unlike raccoons, I can see all colors, not just green, so the black & white & green screen is clearly not meant for me,” one befuddled reviewer noted. “Does Apple really expect raccoons to be their main customers? And if so, is there anything humanity can do to prevent, uh, however that would happen?”
Other than several puzzling references to an imminent rise in the purchasing power of urban trash eaters, Apple has so far refused to reveal why they’re now targeting the raccoon demographic, merely stating that “we would see soon enough”.