VANCOUVER – As temperatures continue to remain high over large sections of Canada, Vancouverite Cheryl McCloud is keeping cool the only way she can: complaining.
“It’s not that I enjoy complaining about the temperature,” McCloud explains after telling her next-door neighbour that the heat was bad but the humidity was worse. “It’s that I will literally die if I don’t.”
McCloud suffers from a rare disorder that renders her body incapable of dispelling enough heat through perspiration and respiration. The only way she can achieve a comfortable, safe temperature is through whining, grumbling, and, as a last resort to stave off heatstroke, bellyaching.
“Because of social media, at least I can grouse about the heat round the clock without leaving my apartment,” McCloud says as she composes a 2000 word Facebook post about how hot and uncomfortable she is. “My poor great grandfather had to resort to expensive telegrams. It bankrupted him.”
“Now, if it’s late and I’m really suffering, I can get immediate relief just by texting someone the emoji of the unhappy guy with the bead of sweat on his forehead.”
While McCloud’s condition is only expected to get worse due of global warming, higher overall temperatures are sure to be welcomed by sufferers of a related condition who can only bring their body temperatures up by complaining about the cold.