Right-wing activists want the mattress preserved for the sake of its historical significance, while local authorities believe the continued existence of the mattress poses an ongoing health hazard.
“Storm Thunderman [sic] was a great man, who believed in freedom,” said Jeff Sanders, a self-proclaimed historian covered in itchy red bites. “He fought tirelessly. But when he was tired, he slept on this mattress that is teeming, teeming with bedbugs.”
When pressed on what Thurmond fought so tirelessly for, Sanders replied “Uh, states’ rights?” and was pleased to find out that was indeed one of Thurmond’s causes.
Thurmond is best known for supporting racial segregation for most of his political career and conducting the longest filibuster by a single senator in US senate history, against 1957’s Civil Rights Act. Thurmond is slightly less well known for impregnating a 16-year-old black girl when he was 22.
“You can’t just erase history,” Sanders said. “First, we get rid of Strong Thorsson’s [sic] filthy mattress. What’s next? Getting rid of the strain of syphilis I’m infected with that can be traced all the way back to Confederate General A.P. Hill?”
“No thank you. The past must be preserved.”
At press time, Sanders was seen at the city dump, weeping over the lost history contained in a pile of soiled diapers.