FLORIDA – Earlier today, dozens of fraternity brothers from Alpha Kappa Phi braved the pounding surf and formed a human chain in a daring rescue effort to reach a beer cooler swept out to sea in the middle of a beach party.
“I felt so powerless, watching it bobbing out there, being battered by the whitecaps,” said Chad Worthington, 19, the first to see that the cooler had been swept out. “So I gathered everyone together and I said ‘bros, we’ve always needed the buds but now, now the buds need us.’”
Attempts to recover the cooler by swimming to it resulted in two frat brothers nearly drowning and calls to the coast guard were dismissed as a prank. After these failures Worthington, always the first to paddle a new pledge until he cried or convinced a drunk woman to have just one more shot of tequila, applied his brilliant organizational mind to the problem.
“I’ve read stories about mothers who can lift cars to save their children,” Worthington explained. “So I knew somewhere within me was the strength to organize 30 bros into a human chain to save a beer cooler.”
When several of the frat brothers balked at the idea of holding hands, only Worthington’s quick thinking saved the rescue effort.
“I said, ‘what if we link arms? That’s not gay, firemen do it,’” Worthington recounted. “I was just throwing out ideas at this point because things were pretty desperate. I mean, I love toxic masculinity as much as anyone, but we had to put that aside. Some things are just more important.”
Several onlookers described the sight of the 30-bro-long human chain as “awe-inspiring,” “heroic,” and “brave” while others who knew it was to recover a beer cooler called it “dumb,” “a waste of energy,” and “impressive, but in like a really stupid way.”
“It was scary,” Worthington, who took point on the chain, said. “Being out there, the waves knocking me over, the tide trying to pull me out. For a minute there, I thought all was lost. Then I got my fingers into the handle of the cooler and I knew everything was going to be okay. It was all worth it.”
“I still believe that, even though the cooler turned out to be empty.”
At press time, reports say that while the brothers rescued their cooler a sorority at the same party saved four people whose boat capsized a mile out from the beach.