WASHINGTON, D.C. – After chugging along for almost 250 years, the U.S. government looks to be on its last legs. “It’s not the oldest government, and by virtually every metric it’…
Man worried about coronavirus still hasn’t gotten flu shot
TORONTO – Seth Radcliffe, who has not had a flu vaccine in the last five years, wants to know exactly what the governments of the world and the UN are doing to protect him from the new coro…
Quaker Oats announces that Cap’n Crunch has died as the result of auto-erotic asphyxiation
CHICAGO – Quaker Oats informed the public today that Cap’n Crunch, the cheerful cereal mascot who has been delighting children since 1963, is dead as a result of accidentally hanging himsel…
World Economic Forum in Davos experiencing crippling top hat shortage
DAVOS-KLOSTERS, SWITZERLAND – The latest annual meeting of the World Economic Forum has descended into chaos and anger due to a shortage of top hats and other necessary plutocrat accoutreme…
Hundred Acre Wood unrecognizable after years of unregulated resource extraction
HUNDRED ACRE WOOD – The world was stunned today by images that reveal that the imaginary land which Winnie-the-Pooh (and Tigger too) call home has been ravaged by logging and fracking compa…
Bible on which U.S. senators swear impartiality for Trump’s impeachment trial bursts into flames
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The floor of the U.S. Senate had to be briefly evacuated today when the Christian Bible that was being used to swear in the hundred senators who will be jurors in the imp…
Vancouver Police Department preemptively apologizes for all of the racist incidents it will be involved in this year
VANCOUVER – In the interests of efficiency, the Vancouver Police Department has decided to start the new year by apologizing for all of the hundreds of racist interactions they will have wi…
Local actress successfully deprograms member of hereditary cult
LONDON – Meghan Markle, an actress best known for her role on the USA network series Suits is now adding another role to her CV: deprogrammer. “Extracting a cult member is notoriously diffi…
Man offered $69 court settlement accidentally accepts with kneejerk “noice!”
VICTORIA – Jack Lambert was hoping his lawsuit against a contractor whose shoddy work caused structural damage to Lambert’s home would at least net him enough money to pay for the repairs&#…
J. K. Rowling announces that Hermione is a TERF
EDINBURGH – In the latest of a slew of Harry Potter retconning, J. K. Rowling recently tweeted that the beloved know-it-all Hermione Granger is a trans-exclusionary radical feminist who is …
