VANCOUVER – In the interests of efficiency, the Vancouver Police Department has decided to start the new year by apologizing for all of the hundreds of racist interactions they will have with minorities this year.
“We wholeheartedly apologize in advance to all of the Indigenous individuals we will handcuff and/or arrest for attempting to perform completely innocuous and legal actions like opening bank accounts,” a VPD spokesperson said during the apologetic press conference.
“We also apologize to all of the Black and Indigenous people we will target for street checks in numbers that far exceed what they would be if the stops were truly random and not based on racial bias. We will be very sorry about those.”
“And we plan to be deeply regretful about all of the instances this year in which members of minority communities attempt to report crimes against them and are dismissed out of hand by the police officers who are supposed to be protecting them. Deeply regretful indeed.”
When asked why they have made the decision to apologize for all of the year’s racism in a single press conference, the VPD spokesperson explained that apologizing now was a matter of expediency.
“By apologizing all at once for all of our racist conduct in 2020, the department is not only saving the money and hassle of having to apologize on a case by case basis throughout the year, we’re saving the hassle of having to actually do something about our racist conduct,” the spokesperson said. “It’s the most practical way to deal with the consequences of our institutionalized racism, apart, of course, from dealing with our institutionalized racism.”
The VPD was considering apologizing now for all of their racist conduct for the rest of the decade, but decided that the preemptive apology was better delivered on a year by year basis in case the department begins to practice new and unpredictable forms of racism in the near future.