Breaking: U.S. government - The Beaverton

Breaking: U.S. government

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After chugging along for almost 250 years, the U.S. government looks to be on its last legs.

“It’s not the oldest government, and by virtually every metric it’s not the best government, but it’s… uh, well, it was a government,” says Kyle Pratchett, one of the many onlookers gathering outside the U.S. Capitol Building to witness the end and pay their respects. “And hey, it got us to the moon a few times. That was pretty cool.”

An increasingly loud and ominous snapping sound can be heard for miles around the U.S. capitol as the government of what was once the world’s most powerful country cracks, splinters and rends following years of corruption, mismanagement and neglect. Most experts are skeptical as to whether the U.S. government can ever be returned to working order.

“Once something is this far gone, it’s really difficult to make it functional again. At this point, it’s probably easier and safer to just get rid of it and get a new one,” says governmental analyst Katrina Winters. “And our old government can always be donated. With a few minor tweaks it could easily find a second life as a house of horrors for a struggling theme park.”

“Plus, we’ve learned so much from this one, the next one’s bound to be stronger. Like, now we know that women and people of color are also human beings, so we can take that into account from the beginning rather than trying to tack it on later, which didn’t really work out.”

At press time, numerous members of the U.S. Congress were seen puppeteering the broken form of the government in an attempt to pretend it was still functional in a manner eerily reminiscent of the 1980s comedy film Weekend at Bernie’s.