EARTH – According to reports from every single human being’s television, social media and worried mothers, all the news is currently happening right now. “I took a 10 minute shower and when…
Man spends entire movie thinking about how badly he needs to pee
REGINA – After consuming a large Diet Coke during the commercials, trivia game and previews local man Desmond Mathune spent the entirety of his two hour movie watching experience thinking a…
Breaking: U.S. President to be man for record 232nd straight year
WASHINGTON D.C. – With Elizabeth Warren dropping out of the Democratic Primaries the United States will break its own record for longest time governed exclusively by men. “Sure we considere…
Leafs scramble to find more heartwarming ways to lose
TORONTO – In the wake of emergency backup goalie David Ayres’ remarkable victory over them, and the subsequent outpouring of affection for him, the Toronto Maple Leafs are trying to c…
TTC unveils new elite fare enforcement SWAT team
TORONTO – As part of the war against fare evaders the TTC unveiled its new elite unit of fare enforcers. “Each member of our unit, codenamed the Red Rocket Berets, has extensive train…
Ontario teachers reject gov’s latest offer of ‘Ford gets to punch one teacher in the face every day’
TORONTO – After taking the weekend to mull it over, Ontario’s teachers have decided not to accept the provincial government’s latest offer, where salaries would be drastically cut and Ford …
Friend who moved to suburbs really wants you to come visit sometime
Oakville, ON – Ryan, your buddy from University who recently moved to the Toronto suburb of Oakville has texted you for the fourth time this month that you should totally come over and visi…
Neat! Murdoch Mysteries has been on so long it now takes place in the future
What a twist! Turns out Beloved CBC tv series Murdoch Mysteries, about an early 20th Century detective with disturbingly pretty eyes, has been on the air for so many years that it now takes place…
Conservatives distance selves from Scheer by crowning scandal prone white man who can’t win Quebec
OTTAWA – Seeking to put plenty of room between them and the disastrous leadership tenure of Andrew Scheer, the Conservative Party is preparing to anoint as leader Peter MacKay, a man credib…
Man watching porn on incognito mode pretty sure he has everyone fooled
Timmins, ON – Troy Lambert, a cunning rapscallion, believes he has gotten one over on the universe by watching pornography using google chrome’s incognito mode. “Now no one will know that I…
