EARTH – According to reports from every single human being’s television, social media and worried mothers, all the news is currently happening right now.
“I took a 10 minute shower and when I got out, I had about 8000 breaking news alerts,” said Alberta resident Marilyn Dupont. “By the time I finished clearing those, the Prime Minister was in quarantine and every single event I was supposed to go to in the next 4 months had been cancelled.”
Though there have been many busy news days before (9/11, Pearl Harbour, that time Rob Ford said “I’ve got more than enough to eat at home” in reference to cunnilingus) never before has there been a 24-hour period where everything that could happen did happen.
“Breaking News: the NBA and NHL have suspended play! But first more breaking news Donald Trump suppressed coronavirus tests to help his re-election! And breaking news the Dow Jones is plummeting! But first Breaking: all schools are closed! And even more breaking than the last breaking news the President of Brazil has coronavirus! All that and more after the Breaking News that Parliament is suspended!!!” said CBC anchor Ian Hanomansing before collapsing in exhaustion.
While researchers at Health Canada warn Canadians to take basic precautions against the covid-19 outbreak, they warn even more strongly about the human brain’s capacity to absorb breaking news at such an accelerated rate.
“Our synapses can only take so much,” explained Dr. Melinda Kapoor, of Health Canada. “We’ve only evolved to parse out so much information at one time, like a natural disaster, or that time all the celebrities took a selfie together at the Oscars. But the information overload we’re seeing right now could very well lead to cases of rage paralysis, sphincter clenching, or SPB (Spontaneous Brain Melt).”
Dr. Kapoor continued, “If Canadians experience any of these breaking news-related symptoms, please lie down on the couch and watch Netflix’s “Love Is Blind” until the feeling subsides.”
In related news, during the time you were reading this article the United Kingdom had sunk into the sea, probably.