VANCOUVER – A group of friends chatting, drinking and generally having a grand ol’ time in the park this past weekend were presumably celebrating the fact that they are now responsible for spreading the deadly COVID-19 virus.
“It’s a beautiful day. I got my friends, my girl, my beer, what more could a guy ask for?” said Michael Green, who will hopefully feel just as cheery when his refusal to self-isolate results in the death of an elderly family member.
“I’m not sick, I feel great!” said the person with a ‘dumb guy in an Adam Sandler Netflix movie’ level of misunderstanding over how the virus operates and infects people.
Other resident’s excuses for not taking the coronavirus seriously included ‘everyone knows the virus can’t spread outdoors’, ‘I had coronavirus in grade 3 so I’m immune’ and ‘sure we’re sharing beer but we’re not backwashing so it’s all good.’
While most Canadians have followed the government’s demand that we self-isolate and leave the house only to pick up essential supplies, there have been reports of numerous Canadians just hanging out in parks, backyards and beaches. The only logical explanation is that these people are sadistic killers who want to see their fellow human beings die, but don’t want to have to go to the trouble of physically doing it themselves.
“Is it weird to think that all these people playing basketball or giving each other hugs hello are actually monsters who want to help a virus kill hundreds of thousands of people? Yeah. But that is literally what they are,” said local nurse Jackie Hanson, before spitting at them. Unfortunately as she was standing more than 6 feet away the spit did not come close.
It is an odd strategy for these young serial killers to take given the fact that they could die or suffer permanent health complications as well. But just like Ted Bundy escaping from prison to carry on his spree, sometimes you have to take a few risks in order to get the highest reward.
Surprisingly the nation’s admitted serial killers have taken well to social isolation as they say it’s no fun to kill someone if you don’t get the credit.
Special Thanks To Rob Anderson For Use Of The Photo