VANCOUVER – Despite never waking up with the sunrise in his entire life, local 27 year-old Jamie Pasternak believes that he could own and operate a farm if Canadian society ever collapsed i…
Crazy conspiracy theorist believes eight wealthiest people control more money than 3.5 billion poorest
Sudbury, ON – Observers report that local crackpot Fred Lewis is at it again, insisting to anyone who will listen that eight rich men somehow own more of the world than the 3.5 billion poor…
To appease male fans, Doctor Who announces every Dalek will have visible penis
LONDON – After severe backlash from male fans following the casting of Jodie Whittaker as the first-ever female Doctor, the producers of Doctor Who have announced that every single Dalek in…
Toronto Public Library rents space to neo-Nazis after they promise to heil quietly
TORONTO – The Toronto Public Library took a stand yesterday by allowing a planned meeting of prominent neo-Nazis to go forward after the group promised to keep their heiling to a low whispe…
Local man escapes allergy season by chopping off own head
Victoria, BC – Local man Liam Harris has managed to completely avoid the 2017 allergy season by using a large blade to remove his head. “Oh yeah, Liam looks great. No sniffling, no coughing…
Samoa ejected after trying to sneak into G20 using fake ID
HAMBURG – In addition to rowdy protests and police action, the G20 was also forced to remove the oft-forgotten island nation of Samoa after it attempted to sneak into the conference with a …
Ghost of John A. Macdonald taps broken keg in Canada Day weekend miracle
Georgian Bay, ON – After a poorly thrown football knocked their only keg onto some rocks, guests at the rented Georgian Bay party cottage were shocked by both the sudden appearance of John …
Canada celebrates 150 years since finding totally uninhabited piece of land on which to build country
CANADA – Calling it a “stroke of great luck” and “just about the most you can hope for”, Canadians everywhere are celebrating the good fortune of their ancestors, who found 10 million squar…
Toronto Zoo torn down to make room for animal condos
TORONTO – Citing the increasing cost of housing and a higher population density, the Toronto Zoo has announced that they will be tearing down all exhibits to make space for three high-rise …
High school graduate taking year off to throw up in exotic locations
TORONTO – Local 12th grade student Lindsay Fleming is planning on taking a year off between high school and university so she can travel around the world, find herself, and puke up booze in…