VANCOUVER – Despite never waking up with the sunrise in his entire life, local 27 year-old Jamie Pasternak believes that he could own and operate a farm if Canadian society ever collapsed into some sort of primitive anarchy.
“I’ve always had a green thumb. When we had to grow beansprouts in grade 4 mine was the biggest,” said Pasternak, who has never shown interest in learning crop rotation, making his own fertilizer, or pickling fruits and vegetables. “I haven’t really had to grow anything since then, but I’ve probably still got the knack.”
Pasternak says he’d also probably be able to tame and yoke beasts of burden, like horses and oxen, even though he knows nothing about breeding, birthing, or milking animals and has never once heard the word “geld” let alone performed the procedure.
“Yup. I would be totally self-sufficient. I mean, how big could a farm be anyway?” said Pasternak, who does not know how to deal with crows, weevils, or stem rot. “I hear the word ‘acre’ thrown around a lot. Is it an acre?”
Pasternak says he could see himself living in relative comfort for decades, even building a small generator using knowledge he retained from high school physics, ignoring the fact that statistical models show him being killed on day 2 after reaching into the engine of a small tractor and touching a spark plug.
“Sometimes I worry that because the government will never fall apart I’ll never get to reach my full potential as a farming… guy,” said Pasternak, who considers keeping flowers alive for a week an achievement. “It’s like, just let me grow my carrots, society.”
At press time, Pasternak had called his mom to see if she could repair a small hole in his jeans.