TORONTO — After Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced yesterday that September 19th would be a nationwide holiday to commemorate the death of Queen Elizabeth II, Ontario Premier Doug Ford immediately declared that, instead of having the day off to mourn, Ontarians would be celebrating “Cry At Your Desk Day” instead.
“The death of the Queen is a terrible loss, just a real tragedy,” the premier expressed in his statement. “But do you know what would be an even bigger tragedy? If businesses lost any money because their workers had a single day off. I can’t imagine the collective trauma that would cause to my donors- I mean, the good people of this fine province.”
“That’s why everyone will get exactly one minute to openly weep at their desk this coming Monday at 1:00PM,” the premier continued, taking a brief moment to fist bump an anti-union leader. “Let your tears pay tribute to Her Majesty’s incredible legacy of, I dunno, probably hard work? I don’t actually know what she did. But stay at your damn desks while you imagine it.”
Royal experts have so far described the Ford government’s decision as, “A disgusting insult to those who loved the Queen, and a beautiful tribute to the Queen herself, who loved screwing over the working class.”
When asked how the premier himself would be spending Cry At Your Desk Day, Ford was quick to proclaim his unity with the working class.
“Look, I tell you, folks, my cottage has a really great desk in it,” he replied, “And I promise that I’ll be right there on Monday with you in solidarity. And believe you me, that desk has seen a lot of tears already. Mostly when I was hiding under it during the majority of the pandemic and the media was being mean to me.”
“What really matters is that nobody loses any money, because Queen Elizabeth II loved money, and we should respect and honour that. Oh, and you’ll all have to stay five minutes late to make up for the time you lost crying.”
At press time, Doug Ford was also preparing to change this year’s upcoming National Truth and Reconciliation holiday to “Tears & Toil Day”.