TORONTO – Yesterday, Mandy Timmins triumphantly announced to her family, friends, and coworkers that she had just removed the Tinder app from her phone for what she promised will be “the last tim…
Tag: drinking
Trinity Bellwoods Park introduces bottle service
TORONTO – In partnership with Smirnoff Citrus TM one of Toronto’s most popular parks to get totally hammered in, Trinity Bellwoods, is implementing bottle service at all its picnic tables. “For y…
Toronto police bravely liberate park-goers from bottle of rosé
TORONTO – The Toronto Police Services are celebrating the bravery shown by officer Brian Murnane today as he successfully confiscated a bottle of wine in Trinity Bellwoods Park, restoring p…
Health Canada suggests limiting alcohol to 2 drinks per day unless you’ve already had 3 in which case fuck it
OTTAWA—Health Canada has released new guidelines emphasizing the importance of consuming no more than 2 alcoholic units per day, but only if you haven’t had more than that, because if you have, t…
Nuclear scientists move doomsday clock to “drinkin’ time”
CHICAGO, IL – In response to the new nuclear posture of the United States, along with the lack of evidence based decision making mechanisms in place, the members of the Bulletin of the Atom…
Local man celebrates birthday by treating himself to things he has in no way denied himself previously
HALIFAX — According to reports, local man Matt Burnham celebrated his 26th birthday by treating himself to things he consumes and/or partakes in on a regular basis. “It’s my birthday, so of cours…
Bannon steps down from Breitbart to spend more time drinking alone
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Steve Bannon, former Chief Strategist for President Donald Trump, will be stepping down as Executive Chairman of Breitbart News so he can devote more of his time to drink…
Thousand of sober, intelligent art aficionados to enjoy Nuit Blanche by not attending
TORONTO – Citing their devotion to meaningful artistic endeavours, throngs of thoughtful art enthusiasts, who, sources say, are completely in control of their faculties, will be getting the…
Self described “bon vivant” currently vomiting in children’s park
MONTREAL – After what was surely a rousing evening of eating, drinking, and celebrating, local man and self identifying bon vivant Kennedy Allen is currently throwing up in the sandbox of a…
Vacation that was 90% eating best two weeks of couple’s relationship
BERMUDA – Reports late last night confirm that the two-week cruise taken by Calgary couple Kyle and Maria Thompson which consisted almost entirely of eating was “the best two weeks of our l…