HAMILTON, ON ― Inside sources report that your boss soon plans to announce a major promotion for Nathan Crane, a coworker currently working the same position as you. A significant factor in the …
Tag: COVID
Aunt Ruth regifts you COVID infection you gave her last year
CALGARY – Reports indicate that Aunt Ruth has decided to get into the festive spirit this Christmas by regifting you the COVID infection you gave her last year. “Normally, I’m not a fan of regift…
Moderna promises new vaccine will increase the likelihood of pointless debate
CAMBRIDGE, MA – Pharmaceutical company Moderna has released a statement guaranteeing their new COVID vaccine will both decrease people’s chances of contracting the virus while boosting the …
Danielle Smith spotted on campaign trail with “Holocaust analogies = BAD” scribbled on her hand
EDMONTON – After apologising for comments made on a 2021 podcast that compared vaccinated Albertans to the followers of Adolf Hitler, Premier Danielle Smith has been doing her best to avoid simil…
Hospitals dropping mask mandates tell patients to stay home if they feel unwell
HAMILTON – The McMaster University Children’s Hospital, along with several other facilities in Southwestern Ontario, announced today that they’re lifting their mask mandates, noting because…
Danielle Smith’s work as premier revealed to be 90% interfering in COVID prosecutions, 10% cowboy hat photo ops
EDMONTON – Following recent revelations, observers have determined that Danielle Smith’s official calendar of duties as Alberta’s Premier consists entirely of 90% inappropriately communicat…
Stabbed man who got hit by 3 cars then thrown off a bridge probably died from the vaccine
Windsor, ON – Local man Ryan Garner was pronounced dead this morning after being stabbed and hit by 3 cars in a row, the last of which knocked him off a 40 foot high bridge, making him just…
DUMB WEEK: ABBA reunion delayed due to highly infectious Mamma Mia! variant
SWEDEN – The long-awaited reunion of Swedish supergroup ABBA has been delayed due to the latest iteration of the novel coronavirus, the highly infectious Mamma Mia! variant. ABBA reunited in 2022…
Health Canada draws attention to overlooked bivalent COVID vaccine by taking off its glasses and giving it bangs
OTTAWA – Officials at Health Canada have come up with a new strategy to drum up attention for the new bivalent COVID vaccine – by taking off its glasses and some chic bangs. “I know t…
Danielle Smith mandates that Alberta students must have at least 2 infectious diseases at all times
EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Danielle Smith has carried on her government’s fight against the fight against COVID by mandating that all Alberta students come to school with at least 2 i…