TORONTO – Ontario’s Ministry of Education cat has determined that schools will be closed after he decided to come inside. The feline, Misty the COVID Cat, was at first hesitant to make a de…
Tag: COVID
Moderna vaccine having bad reaction to Stephen Harper
CALGARY – A dose of Moderna’s COVID-19 Vaccine recently injected into the arm of former Prime Minister Stephen Harper says it is expecting serious side-effects. “From the moment…
Ford introduces “stay at home unless you’re sick and can’t get rid of your shift” order
TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford is expected to announce a province-wide stay-at-home order today, which will require everyone to remain at home unless they’re sick but cannot find anyon…
Ford doesn’t understand why eligible Ontarians not registering to get vaccines he insists haven’t been delivered
TORONTO – Faced with questions as to why Ontario is not vaccinating more people, Premier Doug Ford insisted that hundreds of thousands of eligible residents have, for some reason, not signe…
Doug Ford blames Ontario youth for creating such ineffectual lockdown rules
TORONTO — As Ontario enters its third official lockdown of the pandemic, many are calling the new lockdown measures confusing, ineffectual, and almost no different than what they were befor…
Merriam Webster scrambles to keep up with Ford’s definition of “shutdown”
Springfield, MA — It was all hands on deck at dictionary-maker Merriam Webster’s head office as employees worked to create a new definition of “shutdown” following Ontario Premier Doug Ford’s ann…
Local woman makes suspiciously late “Happy Quarantine-aversary!” post
TORONTO – Local influencer Meghan Freling made a pandemic anniversary post earlier this week on her popular instagram account, prompting friends and followers to ask whether it’s a bit late…
Drug dealer shockingly bad at getting people drugs
TORONTO – With Ontario in the midst of a third wave of the COVID Pandemic, Ontario Premier and former hash dealer Doug Ford has proven to be absolutely terrible at getting residents the pha…
“See, we do let gay men donate blood,” says Canadian Blood Services after quarantine forces thousands to be celibate for a year
OTTAWA – Health Canada and Canadian Blood Services bragged this morning that their controversial ban on accepting blood donations from men who have sex with men (MSM) “is basically no…
Re-opening escape room owners find dozens of trapped corpses
WINNIPEG – As escape rooms around Canada get back to business, owners are discovering the emaciated corpses of players who couldn’t solve their puzzles when they were forced to close. “It looks …