Locked down Canadians gather on balconies, struggle to collectively sing really fast part of One Week by Barenaked Ladies
TORONTO – After witnessing the popularity achieved by a group of locked down Italians singing in unison on their balconies a couple of weeks ago, a gang of Canadians assembled to try to sin…
New puppy feeling a lot pressure to fill massive emotional void in owners heart
OTTAWA – Rover, a two-month-old mutt who was recently adopted by Kaleb Smith, is enjoying the frequent walks and treats but is worried he’s not equipped to handle the myriad of avoida…
Democratic primary candidates find common ground in being high risk for coronavirus
WASHINGTON – The two remaining frontrunners in the Democratic primary may have very different platforms and policies, but they can agree on at least one thing: if they were to contract coro…
COVID-19 pandemic reveals Mayor of Flavortown to be most competent US politician
CHICAGO – In response to the COVID-19 pandemic, Guy Fieri and the National Restaurant Association Education Foundation have launched the Restaurant Employee Relief Fund with a one-time gran…
Nation’s parents lured back inside houses with promise of Jeopardy re-runs
OTTAWA – Reports indicate that many among the older generation have not been adhering to warnings from health officials to self-isolate. As a result, most have resorted to luring their parents ba…
Government classifies ‘dat ass’ as an essential service
OTTAWA – Following weeks of public confusion, the federal government of Canada has finally declared that ‘dat ass’ is an essential service which must continue despite the coronavirus pandem…
Staples releases limited edition homosexual agendas
CALGARY – Sales have skyrocketed for Staples Business Depot after the release of a limited-edition homosexual agenda. “I finally feel so organized,” said Brian Rolands, 34, while running hi…
Alberta’s health minister models excellent physical distancing by yelling at people from at least 2 meters away
EDMONTON – Alberta Health Minister Tyler Shandro is practicing what he preaches by committing to only respond to people who’ve accused him of unethically benefiting from his role as public …
Netflix’s “Are You Still Watching” only social contact in days
CANADA – As coronavirus social distancing approaches its second full week, single-person households across the country report Netflix’s autoprompt reminding them that they are alone – so, s…
Local badass only washes hands for 15 seconds
VANCOUVER – Resident troublemaker James Bryant rocked the health-and-hygiene world yesterday when he announced he had been washing his hands for only 15 seconds at a time, a full 5 seconds …
