Tragedy over Florida: Elon Musk not on exploding rocket
ORLANDO, FL – In the wake of the recent mid-air explosion of a SpaceX rocket, thousands mourn as the company confirms that the CEO, Elon Musk, was not aboard the ship. Following what a SpaceX rep…
Local snowboarder who keeps lift tags on jacket can’t stop getting laid
COLLINGWOOD, ON – Move over, Shaun White. There’s a new snowboarder in town: one who doesn’t need to wow people with sick tricks or Olympic medals, because he’s got twelve lift tags on his black …
Trump unable to keep tariffs up, blames alcohol
WASHINGTON D.C. – Following a robust initial showing, US President Donald J. Trump has announced to Canadians that he is unable to keep his strong tariffs going, in part “due to Ameri…
Ford unsure how to fight back against country with already ruined healthcare system
QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario Premier Doug Ford is reportedly starting to feel he may have bitten off more than he can chew in his attacks on the United States after realizing they are immun…
Bulk Barn announces that all snackers will be shot on sight
AURORA — In a bold move that many are calling excessive and illegal, Bulk Barn has announced a new nationwide policy that all customers caught snacking in-store will be shot on sight. The announ…
Well-travelled man can now reject digital cookies in over a dozen languages
THESSALONIKI, GREECE ― Following a short jet-lagged nap, 34-year-old stock broker Rowan Goulding of Oshawa effectuated a Google search for “best restaurants near me.” Within moments, he was force…
Trudeau announces counter tariffs on any Trump businesses that haven’t already gone bankrupt
OTTAWA – Following America’s unprecedented levying of 25% tariffs on all Canadian products, Prime Minister Trudeau announced that Canada will apply retaliatory tariffs to specific US …
Alberta proves private healthcare is more efficient at generating scandals
EDMONTON – Alberta’s experiment with private healthcare delivery is already paying off, as the system is generating scandals at a rate unheard of by the province’s public-facing healthcare system…
Putin emails Trump “tell me 5 things you did for me last week”
WASHINGTON D.C. – Following a contentious meeting where US President Donald Trump failed to convince Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky to sign a deal giving America access to Ukraine mineral…
Zelensky pretty sure disgraceful meeting could have been disgraceful email
WASHINGTON D.C. – Following an explosive White House meeting that saw President Trump berate the visiting Ukrainian president and push Russian talking points, Zelenskyy opined that the enti…
