Emergency officials: Is your home 72 hours booze prepared?

TORONTO – Emergency management officials are advising citizens to plan for booze-related disasters by having at least 72 hours worth of alcoholic beverages. “Being aware of the risks of not…

DEVELOPING: Woman who said “Long story short” still fucking talking

ETOBICOKE- At 8:39pm, local woman Sofia Cara entered into a conversation with neighbour Jennifer Moore that has yet to end. “I knew at minute twenty one, when she said ‘long story shortR…

Hanlan’s Point flooding drives nudist herd inland

TORONTO – Prolonged flooding at Hanlan’s Point Beach on the Toronto Island has forced the area’s endemic nudist population to migrate to the mainland, sparking a flurry of nudist sightings …

Toronto Zoo torn down to make room for animal condos

TORONTO – Citing the increasing cost of housing and a higher population density, the Toronto Zoo has announced that they will be tearing down all exhibits to make space for three high-rise …

Rejected Headlines: Episode 103, Amanda Joy

Rejected Headlines is a podcast that interviews writers for The Beaverton about the worst stories and jokes they have ever pitched to the writers’ room. Ranging from the merely dumb to the morall…

High school graduate taking year off to throw up in exotic locations

TORONTO – Local 12th grade student Lindsay Fleming is planning on taking a year off between high school and university so she can travel around the world, find herself, and puke up booze in…

Caveman artist enters mammoth period

Chauvet Cave, FRANCE – The Cave art scene was abuzz this week with news that local cave art star Drog has officially dropped horses and entered his Mammoth period. “Drog draw mammoth …

Canada’s new superiority complex shattered by cursory glance at CBC comments section

OTTAWA — In a crushing blow to its upcoming 150th anniversary celebrations, Canada’s emerging sense of comparative superiority to the United States was shattered this week, following a casual loo…

Portraits of Canadiocity: Ted Cruz

  Ted Cruz: the least Canadian Canadian?…

Christy Clark and John Horgan agree to joint custody of British Columbia

VANCOUVER – Following weeks of political uncertainty in British Columbia, with no party winning a majority of seats in its most recent provincial election, Liberal leader Christy Clark and …